Dumb Criminals Part 8

Robert Louis Saine, Jr. started out yesterday as a free man. As a new day started, he found himself in a wrecked, stolen 2000 Cadillac parked a house.

Saine was wanted for felony probation violation. Late yesterday he decided to steal a car around 11:45pm. He also had a revoked license.
Felony Probation Violation
Vehicle Theft
Driving on a Revoked License

Around 12:15am, Saine was spotted by police driving without headlights.
Reckless Driving

Metro Police gave chase and 3 (that's "three") minutes later it ended when Saine made a poor left hand turn and drove into a house. Like Derek Zoolander, he could not turn left.
Evading Arrest
Leaving the Scene of a Property Damage Accident

Police found cocaine, pot, and drug paraphernalia on Saine. No word if there was also a dead hooker in the trunk.
Misdemeanor Marijuana Possession
Misdemeanor Cocaine Possession
Possession of Drug Paraphernalia

For Robert Louis Saine, Jr. - Thursday turned out to be a very, very bad day.

Wyatt - did I miss any charges?

(Source - Tennessean)
Dumb Criminals Part 1
Dumb Criminals Part 2
Dumb Criminals Part 3
Dumb Criminals Part 4
Dumb Criminals Part 5
Dumb Criminals Part 6
Dumb Criminals Part 7

Photo Evidence: Patrick Kennedy Present at Oswald Shooting, In Black-face...

Yesterday, we found evidence of a media conspiracy to cover-up Harry Reid taking Patrick Kennedy to free boxing matches dressed in black-face. Today we uncover something far more sinister than just influence peddling.

Thanks to the University of Texas for uncovering never-before photos of Patrick Kennedy (D-RI) at the murder of Lee Harvey Oswald, in black-face. While I'm not one for conspiracy theories, notice that it looks as if Patrick is giving the "thumbs up" sign to Jack Ruby.

Tomorrow: Patrick Kennedy and Jack Bauer.

Related
Media Silence: Sen. Reid Also Took Patrick Kennedy To Boxing Matches
Patrick Kennedy Goes Black-face Caption Contest
Patrick Kennedy: Soul Man
The Kennedy's Muck Up The Jack Bauer Kill Counter
Stop me if you have heard this one before...

Jones Beach Air Show: Part 2

Every time I go to an air show and see an F-16 (left), I can't help but think of that great 1986 classic, Iron Eagle (right). I wonder if the pilots ever joke around and call each other "Chappy". Did you know they made Iron Eagle 2, 3, and 4? What a shame, Chappy (Louis Gossett Jr.) was in each one of them.


Back to the Air Show. Besides The Blue Angels, there was also an F-15, some WWII aircraft, The Red Baron Stunt Team, an F-16, an A-10, the US Army Parachute team, and a mock sea rescue by the NY National Guard. Check out these pictures and then look at the videos below.



Videos
Click Here for an A-10 waving to the crowd.
Click Here for a bizarre formation of aircraft.
Click Here for an F-15 kicking on the after-burners.

Media Silence: Sen. Reid Also Took Patrick Kennedy To Boxing Matches

Much has been made over Senator Reid (D-NV) and his accusations on Republican ethics while accepting free tickets to boxing matches from Nevada boxing officials.

What the media is not reporting are the free tickets he accepted and shared with Rep. Patrick Kennedy (D-RI), who showed up to the boxing match in black-face. Now if John McCain had done the same - the media would be in an uproar. Jesse Jackson had no comment. Is this another case of a Kennedy given a free pass? You will have to be the judge.

Note: I will be getting plenty of mileage out of the Patrick Kennedy Black-face images. Stay tuned.
Other
Patrick Kennedy Goes Black-face Caption Contest
Patrick Kennedy: Soul Man
The Kennedy's Muck Up The Jack Bauer Kill Counter
Stop me if you have heard this one before...

Chinese Prepare for Bauer's Arrival

With Jack Bauer heading for Mainland China, the billions of citizens in his path have prepared for what looks like an unfair fight. Something must be done to even the playing field with Bauer.

Enter the 3-armed baby born on Tuesday at Shanghai Children's Medical Center. "Jie-jie", which translated means "Little 3-Armed Chinese Jack Bauer-Killer", is expected to start training for his upcoming mission (killing Jack Bauer) in a matter of weeks.

"We hope 3-arm better than Jack's two" said General Wang Chung, the head of China's military wing in charge of combating Jack Bauer. "Why 3-arms? Because four would look weird." said Chung.

Asian people and their cities have not been in this much danger since the days Godzilla. The Chinese are not going to wait until Jack Bauer starts torching Beijing to act. With Jie and his 3 appendages, they can even the odds that are already starting to stack against them. But, is it too little too late? Will Jack Bauer pull another arm out of his manpurse? What does that guy from Mortal Combat think about this?

Season 6: January 2007

Jones Beach Air Show: Part 1

Here are some photos of The Navy's Blue Angels performing at the 2006 Jones Beach Air Show. To say they were amazing would be an understatement. Even Marilyn Briskin could appreciate the sight of 4 F-18s flying in a formation where the wingtips are only 18 inches apart.


Videos
Click Here for a short video of the Blue Angels doing a crazy stunt.
Click Here for a video of the Blue Angels flying in a strange formation.
Click Here for a short clip of the Blue Angels flying within 18 inches of each other.

I will post a Part 2 of the Air show with more video clips and pictures of the rest of the air show.

Weekend Caption Contest II

Just Beat It Caption Contest
Due to the delivery of images of Patrick Kennedy going Blackface to a party. I've started a second Weekend Caption Contest.
(hat tip - Shrugging Atlas)


Top Entries
5. Finally, a definitive answer to the question "What's more sickening, a Kennedy or a child-molester?" - Mac
4. In a classic liberal move, Patrick manages to offend blacks, whites, gays, and child-molesters in one fell swoop. - jimmyb
3. Patrick Kennedy believed that he, too, would be found "innocent" if he only adopted the right "look." - maggie
2. "Oh, I'm drunk all right. Drunk with the love of little children." - Wyatt Earp
1. After successfully completing the driving portion of the "Do You Have What It Takes To Be A Kennedy" examination, Patrick Kennedy readies himself for the always dicey "minority relations" section. - Buckley F. Williams

Other
Weekend Caption Contest I

Weekend Caption Contest

Culture of Corruption Caption Contest
(Source - AP)

Top Entries
10. At least I didn't leave 1,000 buses sitting around the flood, like that do nothing Nagin. I would have used at least one of them for rescuing crucial information from my residence. But, since that wasn't possible, I had the National Guard help me instead. - Lawhawk
9. Jefferson (D-La): Where da white women at?! - fmragtops
8. Show me the money I supposedly took. You think if I took money that I'd be stupid enough to put it in my freezer? What do you honkies think I am, some crack ho? - PCD
7. "Money Is Only Paper, What's The Big Deal?" - radio free fred
6. "Crime? Here's the real crime... the theft of 10 G's outa my feehza and 3 Morton's Fish Sticks." - Troll
5. "I'd like to dedicate this building to one of the all-time great third basemen, former Red Sox and Yankees great Hale Boggs!" - Mac
4. Reaching in his pocket, Jefferson realized he never got his now needed "race card" back from Cynthia McKinney. - jimmyb
3. No, they did not say they found cold cash in my freezer. They said cold hash, as in hash browns. I am innocent, this is all a big misunderstanding. - BC
2. "I did not have sexual relations with that woman..." Oh wait wrong William Jefferson... - jwookie
1. "If I am guilty, may I be crushed by a huge white sign."(Off-camera) "LOOK OUT!!!" - Wyatt Earp

Photoshop Entries

-The Man







Previous Contests
We "Sí" You Caption Contest
Hillary Caption Contest Part 142
All In The Family
Here's Looking at Hill
All your borders are belong to us

Caption Contest Classic (4/8/05)
Just one Minute...man Contest

Marilyn Briskin is Just Crazy

It's been awhile since I picked on AM NY's Letters to the Editor. However, one in today's paper had me rolling in the aisles of the E train...which is gross since it was ranked one of the dirtiest lines in the system.

This week is Fleet Week in NYC and it looks like someone does not like the public display's of affection towards our men and women in uniform. Especially the loud ones. Behold, the only woman in New York who's not glad that it's Fleet Week - Marilyn Briskin.


I did a little research and found a picture of Marilyn Briskin of Manhattan. Here is a picture of this old granny out at a local eating establishment. Ms. Briskin, step back from the Kool-Aid, pull the log out of your bum, and get a life.


On a lighter note, I'll be taking pictures of the loud Blue Angels at the Jones Beach Air Show on Sunday, I hope to have them posted on Monday. Click Here to check out The USAF Thunderbirds from last year's show. Click Here for other shot's from last year's air show.

Update: Briskin is a crabby old lady. Check out this letter, titled "It drives me crazy", sent a few weeks ago. She complains that little children and their nannies occupy the front seats of her precious bus. Maybe she's just a crazy old lady.

My Name Is Jack

"You know the kind of guy who does nothing but bad things and then wonders why his whole life sucks? Well, that used to be me. Every time something good happened to me...

something bad was waiting right around the corner...

Karma. That's when I realized that I had to change, so I made a list of everything bad I ever did and one by one I'm gonna make up for all my mistakes. I'm just trying to be a better person. My Name is Jack."

View and add to Jack's list at Blogs4Bauer

(Hat tip - VtheK)

Lost in 24

Are the producers of 24 trying to turn us into whisper-hearing Lost freaks?

From Wednesday's NY post:

On a scrap of paper - seen so briefly on TV it could only be read by eagle-eyed viewers who had posted the screen on the Internet - a seemingly random group of letters spells out "Jack is dead."

Update: I have zoomed in on the picture and decoded the message


Other
The Llama Butchers have their own "Jack Is Dead" theories.
Got a post about 24?
You still have time to submit it for The Carnival of Bauer!!!

Hillary for President Rally Draws Tens...

Selecting Nashville, Tennessee to host the national kickoff of a website promoting Hillary Clinton for president ranks up there with other Democratic follies like: Dukakis in 1992, Kerry/Edwards in 2004, and the TV show Commander in Chief in 2005.

The national kickoff for Hillarynow.com was held in Nashville yesterday with lots of nationwide media hype leading in and barely a whimper going out. The group had hoped to draw over 200 supporters in a showing that Democrats (even Hillary) could win in the South.

"The whole point is to go where we're not expected" - Bob Kunst (5/4)

The Hillarynow.com national kickoff rally drew 20 people and 2 Anti-Hillary protestors.

"Out of small things come very large things" - Bob Kunst (5/23)

Let's just hope that John McCain doesn't choose to launch his 2008 run on the campus of The New School in New York.

Other Links
(Source - Tennessean)
Video of the event here (warning: first 15 seconds is a clip of Hillary speaking in Washington)

Hide Your Daughter...Fleet Week Starts Tomorrow

New York's annual Fleet Week starts up tomorrow and runs through May 30th. This week happens to be every New York woman's (and some men's) favorite week of the year. Fashion week doesn't even come close.

This is also the week, where every single guy in New York goes into hibernation because chicks dig uniforms.

Personally, a friend of mine and I had an idea to buy some surplus Navy gear and hit the bars telling ladies that we were in town for Fleet Week. We never did, but Jesse MacBeth showed that impersonating a service member is a really, really dumb idea.

Fleet Week Links
Schedule of events

NJ Gets Dirty

TRENTON (AP) -- New Jersey, long infamous for down and dirty politics, is moving to make some dirt official.
The Assembly on Monday is slated to vote on legislation that would make Downer soil the official state soil.

There is a story that was passed around in Tennessee, that spread when Nashville was in the running to get the New Jersey Devils Hockey team (imagine the "devils" going to the heart of the Bible belt). A sports writer for The Tennessean visited New Jersey and after driving around he noticed the state tree should be a telephone pole, the Jersey drivers showed him the state bird.

Last year, a bill designating the Tomato as the state vegetable failed. Tomatoes are fruit. Plus, I thought New Jersey already had an official vegetable.

(Source - Courier Post)

This is for all those people who still have Kerry/Edwards bumper stickers on their cars...

John Kerry (D-MA), along with many Democratic and Republican Senators, voted in favor of a 370 mile fence on the US-Mexican border. Kerry explained his vote at New England Council breakfast on Friday and managed to "straddle the fence" on the whole issue. Here is the immigration debate, Kerry-style.

John Kerry for the fence
"I voted for it because, first of all, a lot of it is the repair of the existing fence. A lot of it is just in the Arizona area, where we have the worst problem, the most numbers of people coming over."

John Kerry against the fence
"If I were making the long-term decision, I’d announce, you know, hopefully it’s a temporary measure, and we can take it down as soon as we have enough people, and we’ve established a process where we’ve reduced the level."

To be clear: John Kerry is for the fence, but against it. So he's literally on the fence on the fence. Leadership.

(hat tip - RFTR)

An Inconvenient Walk

Via Drudge

BURN: Gore & entourage took 5 cars to travel the 500 yards from hotel to screening of global warming pic in Cannes...

Should be interesting if this plays out. But I wouldn't put any money on it.

See Jack Die?

Tonight! 2 hour 24 season finale!
Watch it on Fox, post about it on Blogs4Bauer...It's like instant replay, but not really.

Weekend Caption Contest

We "Sí" You Caption Contest
(Source - Reuters)

Top Entries
10. As President Bush was listening to how illegal aliens get across our border, VP Cheney was sitting in his wire chair reading GOP and City's blog - Sssteve
(editors note: a better immigration policy would be to sit Cheney out on the border with an unloaded shotgun, his presence alone will deter many border crossers)
9. No, Mr. President, Jack Bauer is not on our payroll. You need to talk to Rupert about that. - Lawhawk
8. "An On Slow Days Mr. President We Set Bags Of Tacos Along The Border To Bait Them." - radio free fred
7. OK Bob, why don't you pull up the slides I took of me and the wife's trip to Albequerque for the president. Mr. President this is me and my wife in the middle of the desert... with a cactus... ooh an indian teepee. No sir feathers, not dot. - jwookie
6. President Bush makes the rounds on a tour of Bill Gates' island of genetically engineered dinosaurs, who are coming over our borders to eat the people Americans won't eat. - Mac
5. The commander wisely distracts President Bush as he fans away his Taco dinner. - Wyatt Earp
4. Bush: You do realize I require all these TVs tuned to Fox News for the remainder of my stay. - fmragtops
3. BORDER PATROL DUDE: "And over here we have people coming out the shadows, immigrants doing the jobs Americans won't do and oppressed peoples in search of the American dream."
BUSH: "But do you have pie?" - Damian G
2. It's hard to believe that only 7 short years ago, every single one of these TVs was turned to Tijuana porno stations, per then-President Clinton's executive order 69469-24-7. - Mac
1. "I Would Show You More Mr. President But We Can't Find The Remote." - radio free fred

Photoshop Entries
Well Mr. President, so far Jack Bauer hasn't taken out Logan, Wentworth Miller escaped, Elliot was voted off, Hurley's fat, and the border's clear. Oh, and Bob's monitoring Blogs4Bauer 24/7 on his computer for new pictures of Kim Bauer.
Bush: Keep up the good work.
-The Man


Previous Contests
Hillary Caption Contest Part 142
All In The Family
Here's Looking at Hill
Bush's Banana Hammock
All your borders are belong to us

Caption Contest Classic (5/13/05)
Dark Side Caption Contest

Harry Reid Borrows McKinney's Race Card

Senate Minority Leader Harry Reid (D - NV) called a proposal to make English the official language "racist" on the Senate floor yesterday.
"This amendment is racist. I think it's directed basically to people who speak Spanish," the Democrat said during the already tense debate over immigration reform. - Washington Times

Tell me Mr. Reid, how is the proposal (and idea which is supported by 77% of Hispanics) racist? There is not a race of people who define their race as "people who speak Spanish".

Harry Reid basically called the sponsor of the bill - Sen. James M. Inhofe, a racist. A point which an aide made clear in a note handed to the Nevada Democrat. At which point, he backtracked from his statement calling his co-worker a racist for offering a amendment which 84% of Americans agree with.

Should English be our official language? Yes. Does that mean Spanish, Italian, Swahili, and other language speaking people will be discriminated against? No. Is Reid an idiot? Sí.

Can You Shoot Me Know?

The NYPD issued a warning on some cell phones that come with some very dangerous features.

The phones are actually a .22 caliber handgun. And you thought Jack Bauer's cell phone was dangerous?

Click Here for video of these guns in action.
(Source - 1010 Wins)

Dumb Criminals Part 7

Two men tried to break into a branch of the Independence Community Bank in Jackson Heights Queens on Monday. The plan was to cut a hole in the roof of the bank - above the vault. They would then sneak in and take the booty. In the end the men were left with a bad plan, poor execution, and an even worse getaway.

It appears the duo tried to rob the same bank in the same manner in March - but they had cut a hole over the staff kitchen instead of the vault. So the bank installed a silent alarm, which notified the police of the second break in.

Police arrived and spotted Louis Spano, 45 on the roof of the bank with a black bag. He fled and his accomplice Fred Piro, 41 emerged from the hole in the roof. Both men were apprehended after Spano's sweater got stuck on a fence. Inside the black bag, police found hammers, an electric saw, ropes, a walkie-talkie, and kneepads used in the attempted heist.

Now here is why being a defense lawyer would be impossible for me.

Outside Brooklyn federal court, Mr. Spano's lawyer, Charles Emma, said his client was in the vicinity of the bank last night but innocent of attempted burglary. Asked what his client was doing in the area, Mr. Emma said he didn't know.

How does he say that and not just start cracking up?

(Source - NY Sun)

Dumb Criminals Part 1
Dumb Criminals Part 2
Dumb Criminals Part 3
Dumb Criminals Part 4
Dumb Criminals Part 5
Dumb Criminals Part 6

Headline of the Day

Planned nudist resort crosses first hurdle
ST. LOUIS POST-DISPATCH
05/16/2006

Really a visual I could have done without.

The paper also has the runner up:

Man sues, says peanuts contained a rodent tooth
ST. LOUIS POST-DISPATCH

Meanwhile in Nashville....

A Nashville resident identified as Kathryn Potter filed the lawsuit on Monday, seeking monetary damages and any profits that BellSouth may have made from its dealings with the NSA. Published reports in USA Today have said telecommunications giants BellSouth, AT&T and Verizon Communications Inc. cooperated with an NSA request to turn over millions of customers’ phone records after the Sept. 11, 2001, terror attacks...

Moonbats and Lawyers - what a lethal combination.

Potter will be represented by the law firm of Osama & Al-Zarqawi.

(Source - Tennessean)

Zoo Fight Club

The first rule of Zoo Fight Club is...

AMSTERDAM, Netherlands (AP) -- Bears killed and devoured a monkey in front of horrified visitors at a Dutch zoo, officials and witnesses said.

Yes...the monkey got spanked.

(Source - CNN)

Breaking News: The Zoo has released the rights to the bear attack to a book publishing company. I have been sent exclusive photos of the proposed book's cover! It appears that George was curious for the last time. How sad.

Take Action!
Send the book company an email by clicking here. Tell them to stop exploiting monkeys!

Ask The 24 Maharishi

The 24 Maharishi's quest is to answer your 24 questions. Want to know how Chloe knows all those phone numbers? Just ask the 24 Maharishi.

Q: Maharishi, how will Jack stop the submarine?
A: Ahh Jack will save the day again. How he saves the day remains to be seen by the prophets and screenwriters. My crystal ball tells me that another plot will be recycled, yes but not from a few hours ago...no this comes from Season 2. Does the name George Mason ring a bell?

Q: Are you suggesting that Jack Bauer will "pull a Mason" with the Russian Sub Natalia?
A: My crystal ball says so. But, while Mason died in his kamikaze flight over the Mojave Desert, Jack may still survive.

Q: So you suggest that Jack will pilot the Russian Sub Natalia to the Mohave Desert?
A: Subs don't fly, unless Kristie Alley gets loose from the fat farm.

There you have it. Jack Bauer will board The Natalia, he will pilot the sub to the ocean, and he will then scuttle the ship. His escape is still in doubt, but knowing Jack Bauer - he will probably use the scuba gear in his man-purse to escape the sinking sub.

Got a question for the 24 Maharishi? Post them in the comments and he will answer them.

Cheese!

I noticed this picture in today's AM NY. Everyone say "Cheese"!


Here's what the photo will look like once it's developed.

And Now A Message From The President

You could be in for a surprise if you turn on the TV (and/or tune into Blogs4Bauer) tonight at 9pm. No, Wentworth Miller is not on the run from Jack Bauer and Hal Gardner was not killed by Lincoln Burrows. Would President Bush give a primetime speech during American Idol? Why then, would Bush's people let him give a speech during the Fox Power Hours?

President Jack Bauer would not do such a thing. He would secure the border, lower taxes, invade Iran, and stop off in France to kick some poodle-walking mimes - then hold a primetime press conference to bring us up-to-date. It would last 13 seconds, he would yell it, and it could replace an Apple ad during the second commercial break on 24.

"Fellow Americans. I have secured the border, lowered your taxes, invaded some muslim country, and destroyed France. There's no time for details."

Following President Jack Bauer's trip to the border, Guatemala would declare a state of emergency as 20,000,000 Mexican immigrants head south.

(Hat tip - V the K)

Weekend Caption Contest

Prevention Is The Key Caption Contest
(Source - Reuters)


Top Entries
10. No need for a caption. The photo speaks for itself. - my sister
9. "Whew!" "Bill's Panty Collection Needs A Good Washing!" - radio free fred
8. Prevent the murder of the unborn.Don't vote for this b**ch. - jimmyb
7. Instead of Bill, I coulda had a V8. - Deathlok
6. And just as she was about to announce her intentions of running for president, the republican, ninja, attack monkeys struck... - jwookie
5. Only YOU can prevent President Hillary. - Remulak MoxArgon
4. "Help Prevent Stupidity: Vote Republican" - Wyatt Earp
3. Opposition to Hillary is so rampant that even the media gives not so subtle hints...HAHA! Who am I trying to kid? - GOP and College
2. "If irony gets a condom on every teen boy's schlong, I'm fot it!"- Damian G
1. Planned Parenthood finally comes up with a new contraception campaign both sides can agree on. - Pam

Photoshop Entries

Hillary's pandering to the red states has gotten out-of-hand.
or
America just is not ready for a female president...from Arkansas.

-The Man






Previous Contests
All In The Family
Here's Looking at Hill
Akbar Strangelove
Bush's Banana Hammock
All your borders are belong to us

Caption Contest Classic (5/27/05)
Meet The Moron

Happy Father's Day

This story is for those of us who have become so cynical with our elected officials.

Assemblyman Richard Brodsky (D - Westchester) dropped out of the race for New York state attorney general. Not for political reasons, not because of a scandal. Sometimes there are just more important things in life.

Willie Brodsky is the 14-year old daughter of the Assemblyman. She needed a kidney as she was born with an autoimmune condition, causing her body to attack its kidneys. That is where dad stepped in, offering up one of his kidneys.

My hat's off to Richard Brodsky.

But politics knows no rest. Backers of Brodsky were soon contacted by the other candidates asking for their support. Politics as usual.

Other Links
NY Post
NY Daily News

Beware of False Bauers

Moles have always been a problem at CTU for as long as people can remember. But they soon could be elevated to a whole new level of annoyance for Jack Bauer. Like the early Terminators, the first moles were easy to spot. But like the T-800, the new moles are going to be more difficult to detect.

These new moles are aided by Amazon.com, who has been selling Jack Bauer's manpurse. If you look at the "Customers who bought this item also bought" section, you will notice that people buying Jack Bauer's manpurse are also purchasing aviator glasses, just like Jack Bauer.

We just have to pray that Jack's magic hoodie doesn't fall into the wrong hands.

Flip Off Albany Logos

Note: The following motto and logo are not endorsed, created, or affiliated by Philip Pidot or his election campaign.

RFTR came up with a great campaign motto for Flip as he runs for the State Senate in Albany.

"Flip off Albany"

Here's the logo I put together with said motto.


Other Links
I Like Flip
Flip's Campaign Website
Contribute to Friends of Flip Pidot
Map of New York's 26th Senate District

Patrick Kennedy - Soul Man

Wanted: Pictures of Patrick Kennedy going black-face, with Jheri Curls and a white glove as Michael Jackson. Possible Caption Contest Alert!

The NY Daily News reports that things could go from "sucky" to "really sucky" for boozer-loser Patrick Kennedy (D-RI). Pictures of Kennedy, dressed as Jackson for a party held at his daddy's house, are said to be circulating. If you see one, send it to me ASAP!

Rhode Island Democrats have endorsed his reelection to Congress. I blame it on the angst of telling everyone their state isn't actually an island.

Unfortunately for Rhode Island voters and Patrick Kennedy, the story goes on:

In the early '90s, young Kennedy turned his family's historic Hyannisport compound into a bacchanal, one Enquirer source claims. Exhibit A: photos showing Patrick and his friends doing "body shots."
"After some of his buddies took turns having women at the party lick alcohol off their chests - with Patrick cheering everybody on - he then bit into a slice of lime and took his shirt off," one friend tells The Enquirer. "And then he urged a pretty brunette to
lick tequila off his chest."

Nice.

Scott Harper in Drug Rehab: Never Saw That Coming

Scott Harper (aka The Yankee Jumper), is still an idiot. No amount of rehab can cure Harper's cluelessness.

Young Scott Harper made headlines last year after he drank a couple beers at Yankee stadium and then informed some of his friends that he wanted to see if the netting over home plate would hold his weight. So he jumped, from the upper deck and the netting held. Elsewhere - Darwin rolled in his grave.

The NY Post reported that Harper is now in a Drug Rehab clinic. Apparently addicted to Stupid Pills. Personally, I'm glad he is getting help for his problems. Once he's out, he faces charges of reckless endangerment and disorderly conduct, but the charges could be reduced or dropped if he completes his treatment. I wish him the best of luck, really, but he should face the music for his actions.

I'm not done with Scott Harper...or his "friends". After posting about the Harper incident, his friends started posting nasty comments to me. One called me a "f%ckin idiot" then claimed Harper is very "intelligetn". Yes, they misspelled intelligent! The fact is, Harper may be "book smart", but that does not mask that he's a moron in every sense of the word. His "friends" let him carry out the stunt, showing that his disability was only enabled by his deadbeat buddies.

Good luck Scott Harper. Get new friends, don't be stupid. The next time you leap from such heights, I hope it's because you are a paratrooper.

Related
Sterilize Scott Harper Now
Stop Scott Harper
Scott Harper is Still an Idiot
Scott Harper, your friends are stoopid

I Like Flip

Fellow NY Blogger, Philip Pidot (aka Flip) is running as a Republican for the State Senate in New York's 26th District. He announced his intentions yesterday.

I’m very excited about the opportunity to run this race and I’m looking forward to communicating a plan for fiscal discipline and pro-growth, pro-business ideals with the voters as part of a vision for a renewed New York.

Flip's a Certified Fraud Examiner in real life. That should make more than one person in Albany lose sleep over the idea of him joining their ranks. Flip's also a member of MENSA...which means he's smart.

I am a flipper.



Other Links
Flip's Campaign Website
Contribute to Friends of Flip Pidot
Map of New York's 26th Senate District

Welcome to the Real World - Enjoy Your Stay.

Some left-leaning NYC college graduates will get a taste of the real world next week. John McCain will be giving the commencement address at their little liberal New School College. And they are just going to have to deal with it.

In the "real world" that is called compromise. Something this group, filled with spoiled latte-sipping brats who probably still use tit milk in their coffee, would not understand; because they have yet to step out of the bubble they call "college".

They will sit there and listen to someone they disagree with. Their response will show how well they are fit for reality. Some will stand and turn their back to him (a sign they are as mature as a Paris Hilton turd). Some will probably make cute signs and try to interrupt McCain, ruining the speech for everyone. But the majority will sit there; they will listen - even though they do not agree with whatever metaphor McCain is trying to use to compare college with real life.

That itself is a metaphor for life. People have different opinions, even in New York. You have to deal with it.

These children should be happy to have a speaker like McCain. They could have sat through mine; given by a dean of another school I have never heard of, who used a turtle on a fence post as a reference to our parents helping us through college. Deep inside, I knew that Domino's Pizza and $0.25 beer night helped out as well.

(Source - NY Post)

The Ties That Bind: The Kennedy's Muck Up The Jack Bauer Kill Counter

In the midst of telling a Patrick Kennedy joke to a co-worker, I thought of something. Something is behind the lack of activity on The Jack Bauer Kill Counter. It appears that Jack Bauer has been trapped in Camelot for the past few weeks. Call it the 6-Degrees of JFK.

To help my argument, I have developed a flow chart:

Jack Bauer - Patrick Kennedy: Jack Bauer drives a 757 down a freeway at 3am better than Patrick Kennedy drives his Mustang at 3am. Both have history of drug abuse.

Patrick Kennedy - Ted Kennedy: Pat is Ted's son.

Patrick Kennedy - SecDef Heller: Both should have their driver's license revoked.

SecDef Heller - Ted Kennedy: Both drove a car into the drink and lived to tell about it. Both have sons they would like to kick in the butt. Both have accused a sitting president of treason.

Ted Kennedy - John F. Kennedy: John was Ted's brother

President Weasel - JFK: Gregory Itzin admits he used JFK as an inspiration for President Charles Logan.

Jack Bauer Appreciation Day - Guide to Office Politics (Part 2)

After locating a mole in your office, the next step is to take action. When dealing with an office mole, the best route would be to think like Jack Bauer. Someone doesn't wash their hands in the bathroom....Jack Bauer would pull out the old Chinese water torture. Problem solved.

Good: What Jack Bauer would do
Bad: What Miles would do

Mole will not confess to being a mole.
Good: Sit the "mole" down and tell them you plan on popping out their eyeballs with a knife.
Bad: Going to Human Resources and telling on the "mole".

Someone keeps stealing critical office equipment
Good: Place a tracking device on stapler. When located, force the "mole" to swallow a towel.
Bad: Order new supplies and hope they stop.

Office "mole" keeps stealing lunches from the office fridge
Good: Inject poison into ham sandwich and keep antidote handy to use as bargaining tool.
Bad: Keep your food at your desk.

When you press the elevator button...a "mole" comes along and presses it again.
Good: Kick to the groin.
Bad: Ignore it, they obviously do not trust the little light inside the button or your ability to fully press the button.

Got other WWJB solutions to office problems? Post them in the comments below.

It's May 9th. Do you know what that means?

Happy Jack Bauer Appreciation Day!

Jack Bauer Appreciation Day - Guide to Office Politics (Part 1)

Like at CTU, odds are your office is full of moles. Trust me; we don't have a lot of time to explain. Is it the new intern, consultant, freelancer, or all three? It could even be your boss. There are a few signs to tell if they are indeed a mole. I have listed them below, if you know more - post them in the comments.

Signs Your Co-worker Is a Mole
10. They give the new intern the "mole nod" on the way to a meeting.
9. Admits to being a mole after an hour of sensory deprivation.
8. Joins the company softball team and seems to be throwing games.
7. Reformats an Excel spreadsheet without telling you.
6. Steals your Swingline Stapler - theft is a gateway crime.
5. They watched David Blaine last night, instead of 24.
4. Always wants you to try his wife's ricin-roni.
3. Fails to tell you that he/she dropped a "dirty bomb" in the bathroom.
2. Posts comments mocking Blogs4Bauer livebloggers.

and the number 1 sign your co-worker is a mole:
1. They openly supported Marwan last season

The next step is to take out the mole(s). Odds are Human Resources has already been infiltrated. You will need to take matters into your own hands. The Best Ways to Deal With an Office Mole will be posted later today.

Good News From Iraq

Allah got some unwanted company on Sunday in East Baghdad.

Iraqi firefighters responded to a fire at the Sheik Abdel Kader mosque in Rusafa. The fire was started by an explosion inside the mosque. Three members of "the religion of peace" ended up in pieces as they accidentally tried out their IEDs. Two of would-be bomb makers got close to meeting Allah, while one member of the group ended up as the only person killed by their bombs.

Iraqi army officials also think the bombers had dandruff...since they could not find their head and shoulders...

(Source - Centcom)

Jack Bauer Appreciation Day - May 9th

Jack Bauer Appreciation Day is going to happen whether you like it or not.

Since we cannot trust the current president, I have taken the matter of making Jack Bauer Appreciation Day a national holiday to the Vice President. Since I did not know the email address of Hal Garnder, I wrote to Vice President Dick Cheney instead.

Spread the word- Jack Bauer Appreciation Day - May 9th. Write your congressman, your senator, your mother. Call Patrick Kennedy's office and tell him that it's Jack Bauer Appreciation Day not Jack Daniels Appreciation Day. Tell your boss that you need May 9th off because Jack Bauer told you to.

Check in tomorrow to Blogs4Bauer for special posts to celebrate Jack Bauer Appreciation Day.

The Jack Bauer Appreciation Day edition of The Carnival of Bauer will be held Thursday with The Llama Butchers, get your posts in by midnight on Wednesday.

Weekend Caption Contest

All In The Family Caption Contest

(Source - Kennedy's website)


Top Entries
10. Cowboy Blob's creation
9. PK: We've found her. The one with the second gun on the grassy knoll. - Waldo
8. Woman: "For the last time, I DO NOT have any rubbing alcohol!" - Wyatt Earp
7. "I am so sorry I jumped your bones when I was your third grade teacher, Jimmy." - Rodney Dill
6. For your Ambien prescription I'm offering you a night with my Dad and you don't have to go driving with him. Deal or No Deal? - PCD
5.
You know, it may be the booze talking...but you are the cutest cowboy hat wearing cactus I have ever seen, and I like your pinwheel. Wanna go for a drive?
-The Man


4. KENNEDY: So we did what last night? - Vox Poplar
3. After being drummed out of the House, Patrick Kennedy tries the acting route, snagging the role of the handy man on a "Golden Girls" reunion. Here, Estelle Getty reprimands him for missing his mark yet again. - Pam
2. Sonny, I don't care if you wrecked your Mustang. You can't take my roller walker. And, no, you can't sample my prescriptions, either. - PCD
1. Old Woman: "Since Dr. Kavorkian is effectively out of business, can you drive me home?" - fmragtops

Photoshop Entries

You know, it may be the booze talking...but you are the cutest cowboy hat wearing cactus I have ever seen, and I like your pinwheel. Wanna go for a drive?
-The Man








Previous Contests
Here's Looking at Hill
Akbar Strangelove
Bush's Banana Hammock
All your borders are belong to us
Hanging With Mr. Franklin

Caption Contest Classic (6/9/05)
Bill Clinton's Piece of an Ass

Stop me if you have heard this one before...

Kennedy gets drunk. Kennedy crashes car. Kennedy tries to cover up.

Like father... like son.

Patrick Kennedy (D-Rhode Island) crashed his Ford Mustang, which he was driving without any lights, almost hit a Capitol Police cruiser, and ended up smashing into a barricade. Kennedy told the first officer on the scene that he was "late to a vote". It was 3am.

According to Drudge, a police coverup is brewing as the officers were not allowed to perform field sobriety tests by higherups.

Other
The House website shows there were no votes prior to 10am today.
Malkin has more

Chemtrails, Moonbats, and Tin Hats Oh My!

(photo - AP)
Is Karl Rove is following Cindy Sheehan? He'd like you to ignore the chemtrails behind Sheehan in this picture.

Back in October, a rally in Washington DC - attended by Sheehan was sprayed with "rabbit fever". According to at least one Democratic Underground poster, Rove was behind it.

Happy International Respect for Chickens Day

Pull out the chicken hats, today is International Respect for Chickens Day! Spread the respect one bowl of wings at a time. Then write your Senator and call them a chicken for not making International Respect for Chickens Day a national holiday.

My personal chicken story centers around my Hot Wing obsession. I first fell in love with chicken wings working at a short-order restaurant, delivering food during college. Baldy's had good wings and awesome hot wing sauce, and I would eat a wing or two from orders I was delivering.

Hooters wings have nothing on stolen wings.

If you are a chicken-hugger, here are some ways that United Poultry Concerns suggests you spend May 4th - International Respect for Chickens Day:

• Get on a talk radio show
• Have a Respect for Chickens Day celebration at your school
• Make love to some poultry
• Start an around-the-water-cooler talk about chickens
• Have a What Wings Are For discussion at your school

For the chicken-lovers, tell me how you like your chicken.

How do you like your chicken (a top 5)
5. Chicken McNuggets
4. Original Receipe Fried Chicken at KFC
3. Chicken Parm
2. Buffalo tenders
1. Hot wings

Submit your top 5 in the comments or tell us how you will celebrate International Respect for Chickens Day.

Other
2005 - International Respect for Chickens Day
May 9 - Jack Bauer Appreciation Day

Guest Editorial: Borat Sagdiyev

Maybe Jack Bauer Can Free Kazahstan From Jews.
by Borat Sagdiyev

Jagshemash! Hi you crazy Jack Bauer fans. My name is Borat and I come from Kazahstan. We like to do the blogging, but each post we do, results in a kick to the khram by a Jew. We are but poor people who want nothing but for Jack Bauer to come and rid us of the Jews so we can blog, chase the gypsy, and watch Baywatch in peace.

To be free, we need hero. Jack Bauer is currently number three super hero in Kazahstan. Number one is a half-camel, half-monkey who shoots poop out his fingers and has sex with donkey. Number two is prostitute who sings Kazah national anthem in her underwear while having sex with donkey. Ahh, but number three is Jack Bauer, he is strong man. I see Mr. Bauer moving up to number two super hero if he helps Kazahstan with our problem.

So send Jack Bauer to Kazahstan and set my country free.

Goodbye. Chenque!

note: Borat's views are his own and not that of this establishment.

Carnival of Bauer!!!

Got a post about 24? Submit it for The Carnival of Bauer!!!



This week's carnival will be held at Right Wing Nation

Last week's carnival has been posted at Below the Beltway.

JBAD - May 9th

Jack Bauer Appreciation Day is coming. May 9th.

The President Has Been Impeached

Even Jack Bauer could not have saved this president.

ABC has decided to pull Commander in Chief's final three episodes and replace it with "Primetime" in the 10pm Thursday slot. This would mark the second (and probably final) time that the network has pulled the show.

My wife and I will miss President Mackenzie Allen and her wacky antics. For some reason, my wife got upset when I laughed during the show. CiC had one good Republican (who died) and a really nasty Republican played by Donald Sutherland (I guess Michael Moore was too busy). The only Democrats on the show ended up drugging the "First Gentleman" at a party. So Allen as an Independent, ran the country (until she got canceled). I knew the show was going to be fun to watch when the pilot episode had Allen order "F-16s" to attack Nigeria and a video of F-15s were shown on the screen.

Here are some highlights of Allen's term:
• To become president, she manipulated and then lied to a dying President.
• Within hours of becoming president, she ordered the military into a sovereign country. Mission Accomplished!
• Allen sent the Air Force to bomb San Pasquale to destroy it's coca fields, prompting a coup.
• Within a few days in office, she almost started a war with North Korea.
• She had a "Karl Rove" named Dickie.
• To get "tough on crime" - she invades Hyattsville, Maryland. The show then had to issue an apology to the town for making it look as safe as a Newark crackhouse.

(Source - UPI)

Tin Hat Tuesday: Born In The ----

"The United States" has had a nice run, but according to the World Weekly News that could be coming to an end. Yes, we could be in for a big change here in "The United States". In order to improve our image, the government is looking at a name change.

Not to leave any citizen behind, the government is hosting a "Name the U.S.A" contest. If you submit the winning entry - you could win $100,000!

Here's your chance to win: Submit a new name for TCFKUSA (The country formerly known as The United States of America). Post your entries in the comments section below.

My choice: Meximerica

(source - world weekly news)

Previous Tin Hat Tuesdays
Trojan Camel
For Sale: Vermont
Back to the Future
The G-bomb
Blair Bombed Britian
Skywarriors
Army Minivan
Karl Rove

No Way Jose!

Just in case you have not made up your mind on the immigration debate.

(Reuters)

Hot Wing Conspiracy - Recap Week 4

The Hot Wing Conspiracy Fantasy Baseball has reached week 4.

Here's how the scoring works: The stats your team builds up are broken down into 12 groups. For batters, there’s runs, homeruns, RBI’s, Strike-outs, stolen bases, and batter’s average. For Pitching, there’s Wins, Saves, Strike-outs, Holds, ERA, and WHIP. Each one of those is a win, a loss, or a tie. So in a given week, you can have any combination of wins, losses, and ties that add up to 12.

Week 4 Recap
webcats - 7
Robots Eat Babies - 5
pitching - I built my team on pitching, so it's fitting that I lost all the pitching categories except for Strikeouts and Holds. Webcats have David Weathers who had 4 saves last week, A Reds pitcher is not supposed to do that.
batting - Webcats and I split the hitting, each of us winning 3 categories.
MVP - Garrett Atkins (7 R, 2 HR, 6 RBI)

bRight & Early - 6
Baghdad Bombers - 6
pitching - B&E dominated pitching (4 of 6)
batting - BB dominated batting (4 of 6)
MVP - Chris Capuano (2W, 12K, 0.56 ERA)


Poca Dots Blog! - 5
RFTR - 5
pitching - RFTR dominated the pitching, winning 4 but tied in holds.
batting - I hear that RFTR does not check his team. Which would explain why he still has Ken Griffey JR in his outfield. He lost every category except for strikeouts. They tied on HRs.
MVP - Magglio Ordóñez (6 R, 2 HR, .435 BA)


fmragtops' spewers - 4
The right wing nuts - 6
pitching - FS was able to pull out 4 of the 6 categories. It helps that RWN has 2 pitchers on the DL.
batting - Derek Lee is still starting on RWNs team. He has a fractured wrist and will be out 2-3. Despite that hole, RWN shutout FS in every category.
MVP - Kevin Mench (6 R, 4 HR, 10 RBI, .435 BA)

CZC Owns - 4
Wookies Will Win - 8
pitching - CZC beat up on a weak WWW pitching staff, winning 4 of 6 - even with Jeff Weaver and his 30.86 ERA last week.
batting - If Carlos Delgado had not struck out 8 times last week, WWW might have won every batting category.
MVP - Jermaine Dye (4 R, 3 HR, 6 RBI, .318 BA)


Akhtar the Divorcee - 7
The PAWs - 5
pitching - PAWs almost swept the pitching categories, saves went to AtD.
batting - AtD swept all 6 batting categories.
MVP - Brian Fuentes (1W, 3SVs)

Columbia Cardinals - 10
Repubs lost in SD - 1
pitching - CC employs a platoon method of pitching. They have 14 pitchers, who swept the pitching category (they tied in Holds)
batting - Don't laugh - the batting categories were closer than this looks. Moisés Alou counted for 30% of CCs RBIs. A couple of points and this matchup might have been competitive.
MVP - Moisés Alou (4 R, 3 HR, 12 RBI, .500 BA)

Gashouse Gorillas - 5
The Galt-inators - 7
pitching - The Galts have 2 pitchers on the DL and one who is not even playing baseball (Roger Clemens), yet they still won 4 categories.
batting - GGs managed to squeak out 3 categories, splitting with The Galts.
MVP - Johnny Damon (10 R, 2 HR, 5 SB, .429 BA)

That's it for Week 4. Next week the recap will be hosted at GOP and College.

Bauer Walks Out of CTU

Yesterday (May 1st), many thousands of protestors marched in cities across the United States for Immigration Reform. Some protestors left their jobs, kids walked out of school, and Jack Bauer refused to kill anyone.

The refusal to work for a day or having a few kids out of class will not have lasting effects on American society. However, Jack Bauer's refusal to kill anyone could spell disaster. Not only is it dangerous and unpatriotic, it makes for really boring TV.

Jack Bauer does a job that Americans don't want. Therefore his walkout resulted in zero people being added to the Jack Bauer Kill Counter. Let's all pray that Jack Bauer returns to work, Martha keeps drinking, and Chloe has a full charge on her taser.