Dumb Criminals Part 3

A Wisconsin woman woke up and discovered that her house had been burglarized overnight. A thief had snuck in and stole a camera from her purse.

This was far from the perfect crime as the cops have a good idea where to look for both the stolen goods and the burglar. He accidentally dropped his probation and parole card in the purse during the crime. Oops.

Police plan to charge the man later this week.

(Source - 1010 Wins)

Dumb Criminals Part 1
Dumb Criminals Part 2

Feb 28 - International High-Five a Muslim Day

According to Jesus (below) and Rusty, today is International High-Five a Muslim Day.

Check out the video that explains the holiday. The video even has a "good" fatwa issued against it. So Muslims will not be rioting in the streets of Australia today.

You can watch the video here or here.

(hat tip - Jawa)

The First Carnival of Bauer™!!!

This Thursday, Blogs4Bauer will launch the first ever Carnival dedicated to Jack Bauer and the show 24. The Carnival of Bauer!!! will soon surpass the other 4,732 Blog Carnivals already in circulation.

The Carnival will be held every Thursday, and will link to any posts that you submit by 12:00 AM the day before (Wednesday), with a very few exceptions:

•Posts must be 24-related;
•Posts must be more than just a summary of a particular episode (commentary, analysis, humorous summary, etc. is acceptable); and,
•Posts must not suck

Click Here for more details.

Dem: Charge Cops For Using Force

If this site gave out a "Dumbass of the week" award, the winner would have to be Sen. David Paterson (D - Harlem). Paterson is the running mate of Eliot Spitzer, who is running for governor of New York.

Paterson sponsored a bill that would have put limits on the use of force by police officers. The bill called for a cop who used deadly force and it was later deemed unnecessary, to be criminally charged with second-degree manslaughter. That crime carries a sentence of up to 15 years in jail.

After a meeting with John Grebert, the executive director of the state Association of Chiefs of Police, Paterson trashed his bill.

"I have always had the greatest respect for police officers and am grateful to Mr. Grebert for meeting with me to discuss how to achieve our mutual goal - helping police officers to safely protect and serve the people of New York State" - David Paterson (D - Harlem)

Just because Paterson killed the absurd bill does not mean this issue should go away. Before any police union blindly throws support Spitzer's way, they should realize that David "shoot to wound" Paterson is only a heartbeat away from being governor. Spitzer may soon realize that putting a cop-hater on the ticket was not a good idea.

(Source - NY Daily News)
See Also - NY Post Editorial

Jack Bauer Gets Fired!

If you watched the Olympics, you know The Donald is moving to 9pm Monday night.


This is not acceptable Donald! I don't have time for this!


I'm Donald Trump, a billionaire business mogul. What have you done Jack?


Well I uncovered an assassination plot on Presidential nominee David Palmer. Then I defused a nuclear bomb in Los Angeles. After that, I recovered from heroin addiction in time take on a drug cartel who wanted to release a killer virus. Then I left CTU, but came back when an Islamic sleeper cell tried to launch a nuclear missile aimed at Los Angeles. Currently I'm trying to find some missing nerve gas and if you don't mind, you are wasting my time.

Jack, I've had enough of your grandstanding and treatment of your teammates at CTU. You need to learn how to delegate and stop getting your backup agents killed. Sorry Jack, Monday nights are only big enough for one of us, you're Fired! Get out and take your penis-nosed girlfriend with you. I rule Monday nights! Go Donald.


Curtis, it's Jack. Clear out the CTU torture room and get me a hacksaw!

Flip Toons Out

Blogger Flip has started to strip. Uhh, well I ment he started a comic strip.


Click Here for his inaugural comic.

Weekend Caption Contest

Shock the Monkey Caption Contest
(Source - Reuters)

Top Entries
10. No!!! you cannot pet me you freaks! - sgtfluffy
9. President Bush on his morning jog. - The Man
8. Dance, Ballmer, Dance. - Rodney Dill
7. In the year 2020, zoo goers gather around a rare liberal in captivity, waiting for its distinctive call: War never solved anything! Throwing peanuts is strictly prohibited. - Pam
6. Behold, the prophet Muhammad! - Mac
5. The new mascot for the French army was revealed today..."Francois the Surrender Monkey" You can see a few people wearing France's national colors in the background for the event. - Dr. Phat Tony
4. Jumping on an already full bandwagon, Barbara Streisand reveals dailys from "her" version of King Kong. - Wyatt
3. Previously, on 24:Kim (Bauer) was stalked by a rabid monkey who moments later died in a hail of gunfire. Nobody stalks Jack's daughter... - Jimmyb
2.
Coming soon to Fox: Skating with Primates
-Flip




1. Monkeying around with History-Cowboy Blob










Photoshop Entries

It was not until he started carrying an Uzi did The Man in the Yellow Hat realize that George had gotten a little too curious.
-The Man






Coming soon to Fox: Skating with Primates
-Flip






-Cowboy Blob










-Cowboy Blob







-Cowboy Blob








This contest is sponsored by:


Previous Contests
What's Wrong With Ew?
Cheney Can Hit It
Nuclear Caption Ctontse
All Hands on the Poop Deck

Caption Contest Classic (1/12/2005)
The People's Choice

Roasting Hanoi Jane

Sorry, it's not what you were hoping for.

SAVE THE DATE!
Jane. Well Done.
A Celebrity Roast of Jane Fonda to benefit G-CAPP
Thursday, June 1, 2006 7:00 pm
Georgia Aquarium - Atlanta, Georgia

Confirmed Roasters Include: Eve Ensler, Carrie Fisher, Rosie O'Donnell, Debbie Reynolds, Wanda Sykes, Ted Turner
MC for the Roast: Larry King

Yikes, an evening with Rosie O'Donnel, Wanda Sykes, Ted Turner, and Larry King. Doesn't that fit within the definition of torture according to the Geneva Convention?

Click Here for more information

This post is sponsored by:

Got Interns?

Have you ever wanted to work on Bill Clinton's staff as an intern? If so, you have to check out the job posting found on Monstertrak and posted at Urban Elephants:

... still more irony at the William J. Clinton Foundation website:

...no matter which branch of the Clinton Foundation you work in, you will experience some similarities between each of the programs:
•Hands-on experience
Interns have the responsibility of interacting directly with staff...

Click Here for an application

Related
Jack Bauer demands that you Click Here.

Dumb Criminals Part 2

Helpful Tip for Criminals: Try not to steal items infested with Anthrax spores

The man recovering from exposure to Anthrax after bringing animal skins home with him from a trip to the Ivory Coast in Africa has had a rough few days. First his van was broken into and a ceremonial mask and costume representing Gue-Pelou, God of the Sacred Forest was stolen. A few days later, he fell ill and was treated for Anthrax exposure. He's on the road to recovery; the same may not be true for the thief who took off with the mask and costume, which may be loaded with thousands of deadly Anthrax spores.

New Yorkers, if you see a man walking around in a costume representing Gue-Pelou, it would be a good idea to stay clear.

(Source - NY Post)

Dumb Criminals Part 1

The Carnival of Bauer™

Announcing The Carnival of Bauer™!!!

It's going to be held every Thursday, and will link to any posts that you submit to us by 12:00 AM the day before (Wednesday), with a very few exceptions:

Posts must be 24-related;
Posts must be more than just a summary of a particular episode (commentary, analysis, humorous summary, etc. is acceptable);
and,
Posts must satisfy our high standards (they can't suck)

So if you've got a post that you want included in next week's edition of The Carnival of Bauer™, then send:

1) The title of the post;
2) A permalink to the post;
3) Your name (blog pseudonyms are acceptable);
4) Your email address; and
5) A brief summary of the content of the post.

to Blogs4Bauer@gmail.com with the subject line "Carnival of Bauer" and you will be included.

So get posting, and get submitting to The Carnival of Bauer™!!!

I donated $200 to HillaryClinton.com and all I got was this lousy t-shirt!

Hillary Clinton sends out more junk emails than John Kerry. I didn't think anyone could match the quantity of verbose crap that Kerry sends out, but Hillary has become the top cigar in my gmail inbox.

Last week I received two emails on the same day railing about healthcare (from Hillary of all people). This week I got fundraising appeals from both Paul Begala and Tom Carville (just typing their names gives me the willies). You realize that Hillary has NO competition from the GOP for her Senate race. She already has around $35,000,000 and some change to run a campaign against nobody. What is she raising more money for?

Carville's email is pretty tame, but it does have the obligatory Karl Rove name drop.

Then her latest Republican opponent has a meeting in Karl Rove's office, and
next thing you know he claims she's helping the enemy.

To make her Senate race a little more exciting, Paul and Tom have a little wager on who can raise more money for Hillary. I think the loser has to wear a trashcan on their head.

I know my good buddy Paul Begala yesterday asked you to join Team Hillary - explaining how much we need to count on your support month after month.

I'm writing to you today to add my voice to his. And I have a little wager with Paul that I can recruit more supporters, so I'm adding a special incentive. If you pledge a monthly gift of $20 or more, you'll get a Hillary T-shirt designed by Marc Jacobs.

So you can drop $200 ($20 a month until November), and all you get is a lousy Hillary tee? Hell, I donated $50 to Bush's 2004 campaign and got invited to the inauguration. For those who are don't want that kind of commitment, you have the option of dropping $35 for one on the site as well.

You know, this Hillary Tee reminds me of another famous face t-shirt.

24: The Movie(s)

Here's a bit of gossip for you 24 fans out there. According to Moviehole.net, Jack Bauer will not star in a movie based on the show 24. No, he'll star in 3 movies based on the show 24.

Kiefer has inked a 3 movie deal for a series of '24' movies at Fox. Yep, three. Chances are, you'll see the first one going before-the-cameras as early as '07.

Are you still not pumped up?

Apparently Bruce Willis has even mentioned to Kief that he'd be keen to cameo in one of the films. Big fan of the prime-time hit apparently.

For more information on the flick, check out 24: The Movie

Other possible 24 spin-offs
24: The Adult Diaper
42: 24 for Dyslexics
24: The Dishwashing Liquid

Got other spin-offs you would like to see? Post them in the comments.

Beware of The Evil Eye

Some women always complain that men are dogs.

Girl Weds Dog to Ward Off 'Evil Eye'

NEW DELHI (AP) -- A 7-year-old girl wed a stray dog as part of a ritual to ward off the "evil eye" on her and her family in eastern India, a news agency reported Wednesday.

Since the girl is 41 in dog years, the dog is disparaged because the bitch is past her prime.

The bride's father said his daughter would be free to marry a human at a later date, which would mean some guy will enter into a relationship with the bar set at an all-time low. Just don't pee on the carpet or hump her leg.

(Source - 1010 Wins)

Breaking: Anthrax Found in NYC

Mayor Bloomberg is holding a briefing on the developing story.

Basically a man contracted Anthrax while handling animal skins while on a trip to the west coast of Africa. He uses the skins to make drums. The skins were infested with the disease and he brought them back to a storage center in Dumbo (Brooklyn).

So far 4 people have been brought in for possible exposure to Anthrax.

This is not an attack, it is natural Anthrax and is no risk to the general public. If you show symptoms of Anthrax exposure, put down the animal skin drumb and get to the hospital.

Olympic Cheerleaders?

For some reason, the Olympic planners thought hours of curling and ice dancing may become boring to some fans. To make the games more exciting, the Italians hired 150 cheerleaders to pump up the crowd.

So far, it seems a only a handful of fans are enjoying the addition of pompoms to the Winter Games (left).

Reason # 334 Why Hillary Will Never be President

In a heated, yet confusing speech about private-school voucher proposals, Hillary stated the vouchers would ultimately lead to a government funded "School of the White Supremacist" and even a "School of the Jihad". Hillary has previously blamed President Bush for creating The School of Rock.

"First family that comes and says 'I want to send my daughter to St. Peter's Roman Catholic School' and you say 'Great, wonderful school, here's your voucher,'" Clinton said. "Next parent that comes and says, 'I want to send my child to the school of the Church of the White Supremacist ...' The parent says, 'The way that I read Genesis, Cain was marked, therefore I believe in white supremacy. ... You gave it to a Catholic parent, you gave it to a Jewish parent, under the Constitution, you can't discriminate against me.'"
As an adoring, if somewhat puzzled, audience of Bronx activists looked on, Clinton added, "So what if the next parent comes and says, 'I want to send my child to the School of the Jihad? ... I won't stand for it."
-Newsday

So Hillary says parents wanting their kids to attend a Catholic school would lead to jihad?

Point - Counterpoint: Jack Bauer could not have shot down one of our AS 350 Ecureuil Helicopters with a handgun

(crossposted at Blogs4Bauer)
Hi I'm Mark Paganini, the CEO of American Eurocopter. Like many Americans, I was sitting down with my dog and a bottle of scotch to watch 24 Monday night. I usually root for Jack Bauer and the goofballs at CTU. That is until Jack went up against one of my company's AS 350 Ecureuil's. There is no way that a handgun, even fired by Jack Bauer, could take down one of our helicopters.

Let me say that the bad guys made a nice choice in personal helicopters. No other commercial helicopter can transport 7 Russian men with machine guns to a random rooftop in order to carry out an assassination like the AS 350. The Turbomeca Arriel 2B1 turbine engine provided these men with a fast, yet comfortable ride from their hideout and back. The light allow body increases fuel efficiency and lowers gas costs to the cash strapped rouge Russian terrorists. The optional integrated entertainment package also allows the passengers to enjoy DVDs and CDs with digital stereo outputs in each of the seats.

It's true the AS 350 was not made to withstand gunfire, but Jack's firing position in relation to the Turbomeca Arriel 2B1 turbine engine and his use of a handgun makes drops the probability of Jack Bauer shooting down the helicopter about the same as Snakes on a Plane winning a Golden Globe.

Thank You,

American Eurocopter
President and Chief Executive Officer
Mark Paganini

Previous Point-Counterpoint Posts
Point - It's Time To Turn Jack Bauer Over To The Chinese
Counterpoint - Confucius Say, "Man With Wandering Groin Accomplishes Little."

Point - Impeach Weasel, Dennis Kucinich For President
Counterpoint - Fox should fight off impeachment like Shelley Winters fought off diet cola

Point - They are already illegally wiretapping Jack Bauer's cell phone, whose next?
Counterpoint - The U.S. government does not violate our civil rights enough!

Devine Outlook For St. Louis

Pope Names 15 New Cardinals
-1010 Wins

Is it too early for me to predict the St. Louis Cardinals to win the World Series?

Regardless, it's not too late to join The Hot Wing Conspiracy, the premier Yahoo! Free Fantasy Baseball league. There are only a small number of slots left open so sign up today.

Click Here to join today!
League ID#: 8740
Password: hillary

Carter Supports Bush Port Push

Is turning over the operation of US ports to the UAE a bad idea?

Carter backs Bush's stand on seaport-operations deal
Former President Jimmy Carter downplayed criticism of White House support of an Arab-owned company's purchase of a major seaport-operations firm.
-Miami Herald

That about sums it up, it's a very bad idea.

Dumb Criminals Part 1

Fletcher Quiller responded to a fire, in the building he lived, in a most unusual way. After clearing residents out of the building, Quiller "carjacked" the first fire truck he saw and drove around the burning building.

Quiller's excuse was that he drove the truck so that firefighters would follow him around the burning apartment building and fight the fire from behind the structure.

The mother of the Fire truck-jacker calls him a "hero", A judge is likely to call him "guilty". His joyride led to being charges of second-degree grand larceny, a felony; second-degree obstructing governmental administration, a misdemeanor; and criminal possession of marijuana.

(Source - 1010Wins)

Weekend Caption Contest

What's Wrong With Ew? Caption Contest
(Source - AP)







Top Entries
10.
- GOP and College





9. Ohhh those evil Ew bastards make me so mad. - The Man
8. "Guess we should've checked the dictionary on how to spell ewes" - Rodney Dill
7. Don't pay attention to that bomb belt I'm wearing. George Bush is the real terrorist. - lawhawk
6. Obviously, he left off the apostrophe to indicate the possesive form of EW. Though who EW might be still escapes me. - charles austin
5. FREEBIRD! - jimmyb
4.
-Cowboy Blob




3. "And death to the Ionists as well!!" - Buckley F. Williams
2. "What do we want?!"
"Sex with camels!"
"When do want want it?!"
"We already do it!" - DamianG
1. Now what in the name of hell have lambs done to tick of the Islamofascist neanderthals?! - Gayle Miller

Photoshop Entries

- Cowboy Blob








-GOP and College






Previous Contests
Cheney Can Hit It
Nuclear Caption Ctontse
All Hands on the Poop Deck
Georgius Bushius

Caption Contest Classic (3/4/2005)
Conspiracy Theorist Caption Contest

I Aint Having Sex With No Goat

The following is a true conversation I had with a fellow pledge brother in the backseat of a car...while blindfolded awaiting whatever the ΣAE active brothers had in store for us.

Pledge Brother (PB): What do you think they will make us do?
Me: I don't know.
PB: I Aint Having Sex With No Goat!
Me: Dude, they're not going to make us have sex with a goat.
Me: Shut up and drink your beer.

If I had a dime every time we told pledges that they were going to have relations with a toaster, goat, and other inanimate objects in order to gain admittance into our band of brothers, we would have built a frat house the size of Buckingham Palace.

One fraternity at Western Kentucky University took things a bit far.

At 2:25 a.m. Thursday, Bowling Green Police responded to a loud party at the "Alpha Gamma Rho" house at 1436 Chestnut. During their investigation of the agriculture fraternity, police discovered a goat in the basement. It had no food or water, and was standing in its own urine and feces...the goat was brought in on a whim, as a prank, to make some pledges think they would have to have sex with it. But Peyton says it was not hazing-related, and no one was ever going to have sex with the goat.

Bbbaahhhh.

(Source - WBKO)

The War on Pastries

TEHRAN, Iran - Iranians love Danish pastries, but when they look for the flaky dessert at the bakery they now have to ask for "Roses of the Prophet Muhammad."

Bakeries across the capital were covering up their ads for Danish pastries Thursday after the confectioners' union ordered the name change in retaliation for caricatures of the Muslim prophet published in a Danish newspaper.

If weeks of shooting each other, rioting, and burning statues of Ronald McDonald did little to satisfy the Muslim mobs; renaming pastry will probably have little effect.

Cartoons of Muhammad - bad
Naming a donut in his honor - good

Call me an infidel, but I think they should spend more time in schools learning how to properly construct a sentence, rather than coming up with Islam-themed baked goods.

(Source - AP)

Other Links
Suitable Flip: And a Donut With No Holes...
Malkin
Conservative Princess
California Conservative

Gumb: Stupid is as Stupid Does

Bryant Gumbel made some comments about the lack of blacks in the Winter Olympics on HBO's Real Sports With Bryant Gumbel.

Finally, tonight, the Winter Games. Count me among those who don’t care about them and won’t watch them ... Because they’re so trying ... Like, try not to be incredulous when someone attempts to link these games to those of the ancient Greeks who never heard of skating or skiing. So try not to laugh when someone says these are the world’s greatest athletes, despite a paucity of blacks that makes the Winter Games look like a GOP convention.

I'm not going to rant and rave about his comments. As dumb as they are....they are true, there are not many blacks in the Winter Olympics.

I will call Gumbel a hypocrite, because I noticed a certain sports reporter participating in one of the figure skating events the other night. Also, I didn't know they had Curling at the GOP convention. I was there at the RNC last summer and I must have missed out on the volunteer opportunities for the Super G.

And later on CNBCs non-stop coverage of Curling, I watched as Bryant blew the last toss in a losing effort against Finland.

For more on this story, click here

Other links
Public Eye
Iowa Voice

"I don't like the Winter Olympics because it is full of crackers" - Bryant Gumbel

"It's the most hectic, nerve-racking city (NYC). Imagine having to take the 7 Train to the ballpark, looking like you're riding through Beirut next to some kid with purple hair, next to some queer with AIDS, right next to some dude who just got out of jail for the fourth time, right next to some 20-year-old mom with four kids. It's depressing." - John Rocker

Blogs4Bauer - Point- Counterpoint

Point: It's Time To Turn Jack Bauer Over To The Chinese
Jack Bauer's a wanted man, a criminal in my eyes and in the eyes of our Chinese friends. Agent Bauer's actions in the name of "national security" led to the needless death of a Chinese embassy official. I feel China's pain. (dramatic pause)

Before long, the Chinese-version of CTU will realize that not only does Frank Flynn look like and Jacob Rossler sound like the real Jack Bauer. It will not be long before they know that Bauer must be alive and therefore not dead anymore. I hate sending Secret Service goons out to kill a friend just like any other President, but sometimes it has to be done. (longer, more dramatic pause)

I know there are still something like 15 canisters of deadly nerve gas still out there with Badger and his crew. But without the unlock code, the terrorists...errr I mean the militants cannot do anything but admire the shiny coating of the canisters. Trust me, we have nothing to fear. It's not like they'll find a way to bypass the arming mechanism and disperse the gas in a crowded place, like a mall.

My best friend, Al Gore would like to address another issue we hold dear.

"Ahhhh.. BBushhhhh Oooiiilllll! Uhhhh.
The gas guzzling Ford Explorers which CTU drives around in are the root causes of GLOBAL WARMING!! Ahhhhh. Go see my movie. Thanks"

Thanks Al. My fellow Americans; China provides us with vital resources like speed skaters, General Tso's Chicken, and those little plastic things on the end of shoe laces. What's the point in jeopardizing this partnership by letting Jack Bauer go unpunished? CTU and Division have enough quality agents, hot babes, and Edgars to get the job done without Jack's help. If I were President Logan, I'd have my Attorney General send in the troops to take him back to the imprisoned life he deserves, Elian-style.

(crossposted at Blogs4Bauer)

Previous Point-Counterpoint Posts
Point - Impeach Weasel, Dennis Kucinich For President
Counterpoint - Fox should fight off impeachment like Shelley Winters fought off diet cola

Point - They are already illegally wiretapping Jack Bauer's cell phone, whose next?
Counterpoint - The U.S. government does not violate our civil rights enough!

Wild, Wild West

What can we look forward to from the left once the last Birdshot Cheney joke is told? Well here's a letter to the editor from today's AMNY newspaper that could give us some insight into how the loonies are reacting to the story. To sum it up: Republicans should hunt and kill other Republicans.

Wild West GOP
February 15, 2006
Republicans and hunters: NOW don't you think gun control is a good idea?

When even experienced hunters like Cheney and Harry Whittington can get into accidents, are you so blind and stupid that you can't reconsider your Wild West views?

I suppose not -- you who kill defenseless animals for pleasure, not survival, are far too sick and twisted for sane human thought. I only wish you'd choose fair competition by hunting and killing each other -- but I guess, unlike Wild-Westerners, you're not man enough.
--J. Andrew Smith, Bloomfield, NJ

J. Andrew Smith, you are an idiot.

Update: I have emailed AMNY with this "letter to the editor":

Your paper published a letter (Wild West GOP) from an absolute lunatic in New Jersey. In his letter, J. Andrew Smith, comes to the rescue of "defenseless animals" by stating that hunters (and Republicans) are sick and twisted and therefore should instead hunt and kill each other, if they were man enough. One more time: these evil hunters (and Republicans) should kill each other. That's some amazing logic.

Now in your paper's guidelines for letters, you mention that "writers must mention relevant financial, political or other interest in a subject". Mr. Smith's rantings were not like the weekly Herb Stark irrelevant letters. This letter from Mr. Smith was calling for hunters (and Republicans) to go out and kill each other. Please explain how this is relevant to the subject. Why have guidelines when you fail to adhere to them?

As for Mr. Smith, he should switch to de-cafe, take a deep breath, and chill out.

Ted Kennedy Makes Fun of Cheney; Irony Surrenders

Senators Ted Kennedy and Hillary Clinton took an opportunity to take shots at Vice President Dick Cheney in a meeting with the Senate Armed Services Committee. While the topics of body armor and Humvee safety came up, our soldier's lives took a backseat to lame jokes. It is good to see Teddy takes these heavy topics so seriously.

After the news conference, Clinton stopped by the Senate Armed Services Committee to grill Army brass about body armor supplies and to listen to Sen. Edward Kennedy (D-Mass.) ask questions about Humvee safety. During the session, both shared a public chuckle at Cheney's expense.

When one general used the expression "shooting ourselves in the gut," Kennedy interrupted to say, "I'm not sure that's a good analogy today."

Clinton threw back her head and laughed so heartily it echoed through the cavernous committee room.

Really, I'd love to hear Ted Kennedy (who had a woman drown in his car while letting hours pass before going to the police and now has a dog named Splash) ask about vehicle safety. "That duck just don't float" would be an analogy that comes to mind or even "you're in over your head".

Then there's Hillary, I'd have to say the joke about Cheney just "blows". Don't forget, before Hillary and Teddy turned the meeting into a stand-up routine, they were discussing "Hummers".

(Source - Newsday)

Update: This post was awarded Douchebag of the day by The First Church of the Neo-con. I hear that is almost as coveted as an Instalanche.

Jack's Thighs of Steel Make Kill Counter Debut

Another bad guy found out that you should never approach a hand-cuffed and unconscious Jack Bauer. You should always take your kill shot at a safe distance, before Jack Bauer gets you in his lethal thigh-vise. When your boss tells you to go kill Frank Flynn/Jacob Rossler/Jack Bauer, don't wait until he catches a glimpse of you in the video monitor next to Tony's body, because then it is too late.

The Blogs4Bauer Kill Counter jumped up 18 kills mainly due to the nerve gas pumped into the mall by a group of bad guys. While Jack managed to save one girl, a disturbing question must now be asked. Who leaves their child alone in a mall? Even worse, did the mother take off running when she saw Jack Bauer running around with the gas mask?

The Official Jack Bauer Kill Counter has been updated.

(crossposted at Blogs4Bauer)

It Takes A Wax Village

I saw this over at The Politicker:

‘HILLARY CLINTON’ WAX FIGURE DEBUTED DURING MOCK 2008 PRESIDENTIAL CAMPAIGN RALLY

Amidst a sea of red, white and blue balloons, New Yorkers rally in support of Hillary Clinton’s possible run for the presidency at Madame Tussauds New York

"Hail to the Chief” will be playing loudly in the background and dozens of red, white, and blue balloons will fall from the ceiling as the new ‘Hillary Clinton’ figure is presented to the public for the first time on Thursday, February 16, 2006 at 11am at Madame Tussauds New York, 234 West 42nd Street, Manhattan. New Yorkers will rally in support of Hillary Clinton's possible presidential campaign while holding signs that read “Hillary in 2008”and chanting their encouragement in the Times Square attraction.

I hear the wax Hillary statue appears to be leaning to the right and will carry a vapid, expressionless stare to make it more lifelike.

I Love New York

Snow days in Tennessee were usually spent wondering why we were ever out of school to begin with. One time in High school, we got out of school for rain (which might have turned to snow, but didn't). This weekend, massive ammounts of snow fell onto the Nashville area, causing schools to be out on Monday.

The unexpected snowfall, which measured three-tenths of an inch in Nashville, came after a weekend storm blanketed communities in West Tennessee and the Cumberland Plateau - Tennessean

Not only are kids taken out of school in Nashville, shoppers decend on Krogers and other grocery stores like the end of the world is just around the corner. You should try finding a loaf of bread and milk 20 minutes after the weatherman announces Nashville could see an inch of snow.

Hundreds of schools canceled classes from West Virginia to Massachusetts, but youngsters did not get a holiday in New York City, where subways continued running and major streets had been plowed despite a record-breaking 26.9-inch snowfall. - WCBS

But at least I grew up in an area where we got a few days off for "snow". Kids in New York city watched the largest snowfall in history with glee, only have their school open on Monday. Talk about angering potential voters, Bloomberg better count off a whole generation of New York school kids as future votes.

Forget Nerve Gas, Kim's Missing!

(crossposted at Blogs4Bauer)

Jack placed a call to CTU at 1:11pm to bring Kim in for her safety. Does this mean that Jack thinks her home was not equipped with those socket covers to keep her from sticking her fingers in or if a gang of cougars escaped from the LA zoo?

It's a proven fact that Jack Bauer takes approximately 4 minutes and 15 seconds to get anywhere in the Los Angeles area. If you throw in traffic on the 405, it could take up to 5 minutes. We know that Kim inherited most of her mother's accident prone qualities, while Jack only passed on his family's ability to talk to snakes. But surely some of Jack's time-bending genes should have been passed down. It seems that no one at CTU or Fox is alarmed that Kim has taken close to 2 hours to check in at CTU.

I took the initiative and alarmed the people at Fox (see below). Someone should tell Jack to ignore the order from Edgar to steal a batch of nerve gas-laced glazin-raisin pretzels from the abandoned Aunt Annie's booth and send out a search party ASAP.

No Blogging Today

Went hunting with Dick Cheney this weekend. Be back tomorrow.

Check out Blogs4Bauer for liveblogging of 24.

AssHat 11.23

"I changed the sound of music more than one time... For all those reasons, I'd be a part of the Bible. I'm definitely in the history books already." - Kanye West

Weekend Caption Contest

UNSCUM Caption Contest
(Source - AP)


Top Entries
10. Look everyone, I may have won $10 million dollars in the Publisher Clearing House Contest! - The Man
9. See my Oil For Food certificate? Both Kofi Annan and Saddam signed it! - Dan Mehlhorn
8. Hey look at me!! I won the gayest shirt award!! - Sssteve
7. FIDEL: "One word Hugo: Deodorant." - VOX Poplar
6. Moments later, Castro was dead, beaten to death with a solid gold picture frame by a very highly-placed American CIA operative... - RFTR
5. Hugo Chavez, you've just gotten awarded the despot of the year award, where are you going to go? I'm gonna go to Havana! - lawhawk
4. The Cindy Sheehan fan club displays the oversized thank you card they are sending her. - jimmyb
3. Castro: "Hugo, why does your Yale diploma have George W. Bush's name scratched out and yours written in crayon?" - Wyatt Earp
2. Hugo Chavez holds up his greatest achievment yet...His third grade diploma. - GOP and College
1. "Hey Cheney, can you hit this?" - Rodney Dill

Photoshop Entries

This explains a lot.
-The Man








Previous Contests
Nuclear Caption Ctontse
All Hands on the Poop Deck
Georgius Bushius
Alito on the Rocks

Caption Contest Classic (3/1/2005)
Caption Howard Dean

The In-toon-fada on English

All these raging cartoon protesters with their Engrish have become quite amusing to poke fun at. Are they trying to get back at us for offending their prophet by desecrating our language? They should redirect their anger and go behead the 7 year old in Alabama who they paid to proofread their signs.

Time to state the obvious: this episode is a dream for conservatives. For the first time in a long...long time we can sit by and pick our targets from a safe position. Should I blast islamo-facists, the cowards in the media, the silence of the left, or mock protestors and their English butchery? Karl Rove could not have planned this better...or did he?

More Engrish here, here, here, and here.

Inmate Wants To Run The Asylum

City councilman, former Black Panther and all-around firebrand Charles Barron will run for Congress this fall. - AM NY

Top 10 Changes Charles Barron would make in Washington
10. Block military recruiters from operating in America
9. Introduce bill to apologize for the unjust occupation of Cuba following the Spanish-American War
8. Lobby for a national holiday on August 13th
7. Ban the racist Capitol Hill Black Bean Soup recipe from the Congress cafeteria
6. Jefferson Monument to be renamed "Dead White Slave-owning Pedophile Monument"
5. Slapping nearest white person for mental health would be covered under new Medicare laws 4. Submit bill 11.22v which proclaims: "I cannot believe they elected me to Congress. Haha."
3. Create an alternative to the Boy Scouts, the Black Panther Youth group
2. New dress for all congressmen: grey Nehru collar suits
1. Work to make Congress, a chocolate Congress

Got others? Add them to the comments.

(Crossposted at Urban Elephants)

The Dukes of SoHo

The NYPD has added some muscle to their fleet with 15 new Dodge Chargers equipped with 5.7-liter, V-8 Hemi engine. The Chargers can hit speeds of 150 mph and can go 0-60 in 6.52 seconds.

"We're always looking for good equipment, including a little muscle in the car department," - Police Commissioner Raymond Kelly

10 of the NYPD Chargers will hit the streets this summer.

The Dodge Charger was the car of choice for The Dukes of Hazard. So the prey has now become the hunter, Sheriff Rosco P. Coltrane would be happy. Ye-haw.

(Source - NY Daily News)

Join The Hot Wing Conspiracy

Come join our Yahoo! Fantasy Baseball league. We have 15 slots left, so don't wait until the Chicago Cubs are mathmatically eliminated from playoff contention (usually 2 weeks into the season) to setup your team.

Click Here to join today!
League ID#: 8740
Password: hillary

Emails from John Kerry: You're Not Invited!

I received this pedomorphic email from "Friends of John Kerry". The title of the email is "You're Not Invited!".

You're Not Invited!
Dick Cheney will be there. So will Rick Santorum...Phyllis Schlafly...Newt Gingrich...Ann Coulter...Republican Party Chairman Ken Mehlman...and Grover Norquist, a figure at the center of the Jack Abramoff Republican lobbying scandal.

Tomorrow, at 9:30 a.m., the gavel will drop on CPAC 2006 - the Conservative Political Action Conference. Soon a parade of Bush administration and Republican Party leaders will trek over to kiss the rings of the right-wing political operatives who work so hard to push the reckless Bush agenda through Congress - and of the right-wing agitators that stop at nothing to keep Bush-backing candidates in power.

From the title and tone of this email, you may be shocked to find out that anyone (even a friend of John Kerry) can register to attend CPAC. While online registration is now closed, anyone can still register for $125. This even is open to other "figures at the center of the Jack Abramoff Republican lobbying scandal" like Dem leader Harry Reid.

ONLINE REGISTRATION NOW CLOSED
CPAC online registration is closed. You may register at the Omni Shoreham Hotel starting on Wednesday, February 8th from 4:00 pm to 8:00 pm, and again on Thursday, Friday, or Saturday starting at 8:00 am.

While Kerry's aim is have you donate money because the Republicans dare form a strategy, in the face of the Dems who have no hint of one. Kerry should spend less time emailing for donations and more time planning for his 20005 election hopes.

(Hat Tip - Best of the Web)

Previous Emails
John Kerry: Losing Firm
Losers of the world unite!
Kerry for Ferrer
Socialism 101

NY Press Staff Walk

The editorial staff at The New York Press, a free weekly which hails itself as "the premier alternative newspaper", walked out in protest of the paper's refusal to print the cartoons which sparked the past week's riots throughout the world. The New York Sun has been the only New York paper with the guts to print the images.

...Having been ordered at the 11th hour to pull the now-infamous Danish cartoons from an issue dedicated to them, the editorial group—consisting of myself, managing editor Tim Marchman, arts editor Jonathan Leaf and one-man city hall bureau Azi Paybarah, chose instead to resign our positions.
We have no desire to be free speech martyrs, but it would have been nakedly hypocritical to avoid the same cartoons we'd criticized others for not running, cartoons that however absurdly have inspired arson, kidnapping and murder and forced cartoonists in at least two continents to go into hiding.... - Email from Editor-in-Chief Harry Siegel

Included in the walkout was fellow blogger Azi, who posted at the NY Press blog called The 51st State. Azi posts here that he will be back under a new URL. Until then, I have removed the link on my blogroll for the blog at The New York Press.

"It's not something we can write about and call people hypocrites if we're going to be doing the same thing," -Azi Paybarah

You can show support by emailing Azi at paybarah (at) gmail.com

NY Blogger Coverage
The Politicker, A Blog for All, Urban Elephants, Gotham Gazette, and Alarming News have more.

Other Coverage
Cox and Forkum
The Editors Weblog
Editor and Publisher
Public Eye (CBS)
Post Chronicle
WCBS (NY)
Jossip
NY Post
The New Editor
Cardinal Martini
The Jawa Report
Anti-Idiotarian Rottweiler
NoisyRoom
Michelle Malkin
GOP Vixen
Gawker
Small Dead Animals
The Phoenix

Tennessee State Trooper Fired For Supporting GOP

Former Lt. Charles B. Farmer received good scores on all his job evaluations for 20 years with the Highway Patrol. That is, until he admitted to a superior officer that he donate money to Republicans. "The gist of my story was I was run out of the highway patrol," Reports Farmer.

State Sen. Jamie Woodson, R-Knoxville, asked Farmer about a transcript of a recorded conversation the former trooper had with a superior. According to the transcript, Farmer allegedly asked the superior if Farmer should have given $1,000 to a Democrat.
"Maybe you should have,'' Woodson read from the transcript.

Following the conversation, Farmer was given his first low score by the same superior officer, assigned to the midnight shift, and then was terminated.

(Source - Tennessean)

Bacardi and Cola Spice Up Kill Counter

Thanks to the Bacardi and Cola team, the kill counter jumped up 400% from a season low of 1 kill to a respectable 5 bodies from 1 to 2pm.

Sid Blumenthal decided not to hang around, instead he choked like other well known Patriots did earlier this season. Later on, TylerD won a dollar when he predicted the painfully predictable demise of one of our best nicknamed characters, Hannibal Connery.

Click Here for the updated Kill Counter.

(crossposted at Blogs4Bauer)

Karl Rove's Tin Foil-Lined Steeler Cap

"Security preparations for this Super Bowl are getting a lot less media coverage than the last 3 did. Which leads me to ask: is Karl Rove planning a terrorist attack during the Super Bowl, in order to set the stage for building towards war with Iran over the coming year?"--Bob Fertik, Democrats.com

Well it's a good thing the Steelers won the game; otherwise (according to Bob) Karl Rove might have triggered an attack on the Super Bowl to start a war with Iran.

Not that Karl Rove's trickery is needed, since Iran seems to be doing a well enough job inciting war without him. But, according to Bob "Iran (like Iraq in 2002), is not trying to provoke a war". I guess when you forget about all this nuclear ambition, talk of wiping Israel off the map, aiding the foreign terrorists in Iraq, and kicking out the UN.....

Being a Steeler fan, I assume Karl Rove also informed the refs that Ben Roethlisberger really broke the plane of the end zone in the first half while they reviewed the play. There was also that questionable offensive pass interference call....well at least one commenter at Democrats.com is with me on this theory.

("Hat" tip - Best of the Web)

McCellan: Ban All Hate Speech

It's about time someone called out the rioters on their blatant double-standard, even though it will fall on deaf ears.

"We would also urge people who are criticizing these cartoons to speak out forcefully against all forms of hate speech, including cartoons and articles throughout parts of the Arab world, which frequently espouse anti-Semitic and anti-Christian views," - White House spokesman Scott McClellan

I'll take "Things that will happen when pigs fly for $800, Alex."

On a separate note, I would like say that it's refreshing to turn on the news and not see people burning the American flag for once. I stand by the Danes, but also enjoy the reprieve that Old Glory is getting.

Jack Bauer: Kill-free since 11:54

Jack Bauer has gone a day without killing! Some people blame his girlfriend for wanting to talk about their relationship (above), when Jack should have been killing terrorists. I agree. Women choose the worst times to want to "talk". If it's not during a football game, it's on your way to uncover a government plot to let terrorists slip out of the country with deadly nerve gas.

Over at Blogs4Bauer, we are predicting the death count and exposing a Bauer family secret.

Super Bowl Ad Recap

Winners
1) Fed Ex - Cavemen
2) Mastercard - Macgyver Priceless
3) Bud Light - Magic Fridge

Losers
1) Pizza Hut - Jessica Simpson
2) Burger King - Dancing condiments
3) Diet Pepsi - Brown and Bubbly
4) Jerramy Stevens - Cannot catch a football

Weekend Caption Contest

Nuclear Caption Ctontse
(Source - AP)
More spelling errors here



Top Entries
10. In a moment of idiocy, this woman included her lisp in the spelling of her sign. - Wyatt
9. Nuclear energy is our definite ritht......literacy is optional. -Rodney Dill
8. Finally the world has conclusive evidence that Iran is working with the Chinese... - Scott Sala
7. The Iranian Secret Police later changed the typo on this banner after the correct spelling of "Reich" was looked up. - Troll
6. What do you expect? Ted Kennedy spelled the words for my sign. - PCD
5. Hell no, we won't glow...if you deny our ritht to nuclear energy. - Pam
4. E=MS2 just doesn't quite have the same effect. - lawhawk
3. Democrats NEA officials vehemently denied that young Matilda was a product of the US public education system. - jimmyb
2. Is she showing off her bangs? What a whore! STONE HER TO DEATH!!! - Sobek
1. ...But in our own handling of Women's rights, religious rights, human rights we're negotiable. -Rodney Dill

Photoshop Entries

More cartoons have sparked additional Muslim outrage. They are burning effigies of Billy in Tehran!
- The Man







-RFTR







(inspired by Malkin's Blogburst post)











Tehran Tofu
-Joe Mama







24-Related Caption contest at Blogs4Bauer

Previous Contests
I Hardly Nuked Ya
All Hands on the Poop Deck
Georgius Bushius
Alito on the Rocks
Weekend at Murtha's

Caption Contest Classic (2/11/2005)
Caption the Clinton Moment

Technorati search: "jyllands-posten mohammed" "muhammad cartoon"

Osama as Jesus Art Sparks Christian Outrage

A work of "art" displayed for the National Black Fine Art Show in the Puck Building in New York is sparking Christian outrage, sort of. The piece is an upside down Christ with the face of Osama Bin Laden.

The art show's producer admitted that he had not made the connection, hates Bin Laden, but made a bold statement saying, "I don't think it's anyone's job or vocation to limit the expression of artists."

It's a good thing the image was not of Mohammad as Osama, or the art show would have to deal with these guys:

(Source - WCBSTV)

Why are you reading this. Go vote.

Don't forget to vote for this site for Best Political Blog (so far)

Voting ends Friday (2/3). Vote often.

Punxsutawney Phil Predicts More Killing on 24

PUNXSUTAWNEY, Pennsylvania (AP) -- Punxsutawney Phil saw Jack Bauer's shadow, but it was hard to find a complainer in the crowd at Gobbler's Knob. This ensures there will be at least six more months of killing on 24.

The last time Phil did not see Bauer's shadow, Jack tortured the mayor of Punxsutawney, his wife, and 30 local residents until Phil finally admitted to seeing Jack's shadow.

Phil also predicted that the Seattle Seahawks would win the Super Bowl 35-24, which led Jack Bauer to take the groundhog into a dark room for 30 minutes. When they emerged, a semiconscious Punxsutawney Phil predicted that the Pittsburgh Steelers would win 28-14.

(Crossposted at Blogs4Bauer)

MSM: Addicted to Spin

Today's NY Daily News has a story on Bush's trip to Nashville yesterday. While the story has zero 283 words, none were on the speech he gave. No, picking up on the "addicted to oil" line, they use the story to breakdown the amount of gas used for the Presidential tour. So what?

Bush's 700-mile trip to give his State of the Union encore speech in Nashville yesterday cost $19,594.25 in fuel alone just for Air Force One, according to government figures.

He will carry his message over the next few days to Maplewood, Minn., Albuquerque and Dallas before heading back to Washington. That's another 4,341 miles.

One of the first posts I wrote (here) dealt with John Kerry's need for a haircut while on a photo-op/windsurfing trip in Oregon. Instead of checking with one of the over 200 salons in the Portland area, Kerry flew a stylist from Washington DC's Cristophe salon, Isabelle Goetz, from DC to Portland and back (5,560 miles roundtrip). In the end, the photo-op/windsurfing trip was cancelled due to wind.

UE Caption Contest

Caption this picture over at Urban Elephants for a chance to win tickets to see a taping of Conan O'Brien!

Vote or Die: Best So Far - January 2006

GOP and the City has been nominated for Best Political Blog (so far). I've sent my political operatives (RFTR, Wyatt, and my brother) over to the other blogs to slash the tires on their Get-Out the Vote vans.

Vote by sending an email to: BestSoFar@RightThinking.net

Here are how my votes were dished out:
Best Political Blog
1) GOP and the City
2) Ace of Spades HQ
3) Peakah's Provocations

January's Best Alternative Categories
1) Blogs 4 Bauer

Best Personal Blog
1) Sharp Shooters (aka SYLGF)
2) Conservative UAW Guy
3) 45-Caliber Justice

Best Humor Blog
1) Blame Bush!
2) IMAO
3) WuzzaDem

Stop Human-Animal Hybrids

The State of the Union was lackluster and way too long. I read on Kos that Karl Rove's originally programmed President Bush to only speak for 45 minutes. Dick Cheney is to blame for not sending electrical shocks to Bushie when he went over. As boring as it was, it sure beat an hour of Geena Davis in Commander in Chief.

My wife and I decided to drink a few glasses of wine to take the edge off of watching the State of the Union. Through the haze of Merlot, I did note that Bush took shots at the practice of "defeatism"; which I find amusing the media went ahead and assumed he meant "democrats". There goes the right-wing mainstream media again.

Only one thing that Bush said last night that stuck with my wife and I was the bit on human-animal hybrids, mind you we were drinking wine:

Tonight I ask you to pass legislation to prohibit the most egregious abuses of medical research: human cloning in all its forms, creating or implanting embryos for experiments, creating human-animal hybrids, and buying, selling, or patenting human embryos. Human life is a gift from our Creator -- and that gift should never be discarded, devalued or put up for sale. (applause)

Interested in the prospect of hybrids made from someone other than Honda and Ford, we looked up human-animal hybrids and found out that, in China, they had produced "chimeras". These were produced by mixing human cells with rabbit eggs. While the cells were killed off once the stem cells were harvested, it entails way to many ethical issues to be discussed on this lame site.

While it appears that some hybrids may be used for good (ie - Jack Bauer), the mistakes could lead to far-reaching consequences (Ted Kennedy).



Related
Text of the 2006 State of the Union
More on Human-animal hybrids