Wednesday, April 19, 2006

Bauer Replaces McClellan as Press Secretary



What better way to reign in the White House Press Corps than to install Jack Bauer as Press Secretary? Let's see if David Gregory has the guts to ask Jack Bauer about "sloppy seconds". Imagine Jack Bauer trying to sit still while Helen Thomas goes on one of her diatribes.

Jack Bauer would put these prima donnas in their place...and do so in a timely manner (usually within 24 hours). If hooking Helen Thomas' jowls up to a car battery or making David Gregory swallow a towel would not get the White House Press Corps in line, nothing will.

Top 10 Changes Jack Bauer Would Bring to the White House Press Corps
10. Positive stories about Bush increase 145% in his first hour alone.
9. Five moles weeded out of press corps by Bauer.
8. Ask a stupid question; get hooked up to the sensory deprivation device.
7. Podium replaced with bullet-proof barrier with gun ports.
6. All press conferences last an hour, with all tough questions coming at 45 minutes past the hour.
5. By the end of a press conference, a minimum of 34 people would have been killed.
4. "No comment" replaced by "We don't have time for that question".
3. Gary Bauer mistakenly showed up to a press conference, once.
2. All comments will be yelled.
1. Blogs4Bauer starts to live-blogs press conferences.

Do you have more ideas on what Bauer could bring to the White House Press Corps? Post them in the comments below.

Update: This is via The New Republic's blog, The Plank



JACK BAUER TO THE BRIEFING ROOM:
It looks like some conservatives are happy that McClellan is splitting town. Check out
this suggestion/fantasy for his replacement. I can't decide if it's offensive (shooting Helen Thomas?) or just kind of lame. Of course, I could say that about most jokes that I find via Powerline.
--Jason Zengerle
posted 3:47 p.m.

and that post drew one comment:

...Maybe someone should actually watch the program before posting dumb jokes! (ligedog1)
I do not condone shooting Helen Thomas, just hooking her jowls up to a car battery. As for the comment about my lack of 24 viewing - I don't blog on a site called Blogs4Bauer because I watch The Apprentice on Monday nights.

For more humor, click here to read posts by libs discussing if "hooking up Helen Thomas' jowls to a car battery" is considered in line with all other right-wing humor that seems to only involve "murder or mayhem done to liberals".

Chill out. This is a piece of satire, a "joke" for those of you in Alabama. People on both sides need to stop taking themselves so seriously and lighten up. Jack Bauer is not a Republican, Jack Bauer is not a Democrat. Jack Bauer happens to be a fictional character whose whole premise is that he can operate around restraints such as "laws", "gay sex", and "politics". Jack Bauer would be a kick ass Press Secretary...admit it, or else!

(More Bauer Goodness at Blogs4Bauer)