Tuesday, February 28, 2006

Dumb Criminals Part 3

A Wisconsin woman woke up and discovered that her house had been burglarized overnight. A thief had snuck in and stole a camera from her purse.

This was far from the perfect crime as the cops have a good idea where to look for both the stolen goods and the burglar. He accidentally dropped his probation and parole card in the purse during the crime. Oops.

Police plan to charge the man later this week.

(Source - 1010 Wins)

Dumb Criminals Part 1
Dumb Criminals Part 2

Feb 28 - International High-Five a Muslim Day

According to Jesus (below) and Rusty, today is International High-Five a Muslim Day.

Check out the video that explains the holiday. The video even has a "good" fatwa issued against it. So Muslims will not be rioting in the streets of Australia today.

You can watch the video here or here.

(hat tip - Jawa)

The First Carnival of Bauer™!!!

This Thursday, Blogs4Bauer will launch the first ever Carnival dedicated to Jack Bauer and the show 24. The Carnival of Bauer!!! will soon surpass the other 4,732 Blog Carnivals already in circulation.

The Carnival will be held every Thursday, and will link to any posts that you submit by 12:00 AM the day before (Wednesday), with a very few exceptions:

•Posts must be 24-related;
•Posts must be more than just a summary of a particular episode (commentary, analysis, humorous summary, etc. is acceptable); and,
•Posts must not suck
Click Here for more details.

Blog Carnival submission form - carnival of bauer!!!

Dem: Charge Cops For Using Force

If this site gave out a "Dumbass of the week" award, the winner would have to be Sen. David Paterson (D - Harlem). Paterson is the running mate of Eliot Spitzer, who is running for governor of New York.

Paterson sponsored a bill that would have put limits on the use of force by police officers. The bill called for a cop who used deadly force and it was later deemed unnecessary, to be criminally charged with second-degree manslaughter. That crime carries a sentence of up to 15 years in jail.

After a meeting with John Grebert, the executive director of the state Association of Chiefs of Police, Paterson trashed his bill.

"I have always had the greatest respect for police officers and am grateful to Mr. Grebert for meeting with me to discuss how to achieve our mutual goal - helping police officers to safely protect and serve the people of New York State" - David Paterson (D - Harlem)
Just because Paterson killed the absurd bill does not mean this issue should go away. Before any police union blindly throws support Spitzer's way, they should realize that David "shoot to wound" Paterson is only a heartbeat away from being governor. Spitzer may soon realize that putting a cop-hater on the ticket was not a good idea.

(Source - NY Daily News)
See Also - NY Post Editorial

Monday, February 27, 2006

Jack Bauer Gets Fired!

If you watched the Olympics, you know The Donald is moving to 9pm Monday night.

This is not acceptable Donald! I don't have time for this!

I'm Donald Trump, a billionaire business mogul. What have you done Jack?

Well I uncovered an assassination plot on Presidential nominee David Palmer. Then I defused a nuclear bomb in Los Angeles. After that, I recovered from heroin addiction in time take on a drug cartel who wanted to release a killer virus. Then I left CTU, but came back when an Islamic sleeper cell tried to launch a nuclear missile aimed at Los Angeles. Currently I'm trying to find some missing nerve gas and if you don't mind, you are wasting my time.

Jack, I've had enough of your grandstanding and treatment of your teammates at CTU. You need to learn how to delegate and stop getting your backup agents killed. Sorry Jack, Monday nights are only big enough for one of us, you're Fired! Get out and take your penis-nosed girlfriend with you. I rule Monday nights! Go Donald.

Curtis, it's Jack. Clear out the CTU torture room and get me a hacksaw!

Sunday, February 26, 2006

Flip Toons Out

Blogger Flip has started to strip. Uhh, well I ment he started a comic strip.

Click Here for his inaugural comic.

Friday, February 24, 2006

Weekend Caption Contest

Shock the Monkey Caption Contest
(Source - Reuters)

Top Entries
10. No!!! you cannot pet me you freaks! - sgtfluffy
9. President Bush on his morning jog. - The Man
8. Dance, Ballmer, Dance. - Rodney Dill
7. In the year 2020, zoo goers gather around a rare liberal in captivity, waiting for its distinctive call: War never solved anything! Throwing peanuts is strictly prohibited. - Pam
6. Behold, the prophet Muhammad! - Mac
5. The new mascot for the French army was revealed today..."Francois the Surrender Monkey" You can see a few people wearing France's national colors in the background for the event. - Dr. Phat Tony
4. Jumping on an already full bandwagon, Barbara Streisand reveals dailys from "her" version of King Kong. - Wyatt
3. Previously, on 24:Kim (Bauer) was stalked by a rabid monkey who moments later died in a hail of gunfire. Nobody stalks Jack's daughter... - Jimmyb
Coming soon to Fox: Skating with Primates

1. Monkeying around with History-Cowboy Blob

Photoshop Entries

It was not until he started carrying an Uzi did The Man in the Yellow Hat realize that George had gotten a little too curious.
-The Man

Coming soon to Fox: Skating with Primates

-Cowboy Blob

-Cowboy Blob

-Cowboy Blob

This contest is sponsored by:

Previous Contests
What's Wrong With Ew?
Cheney Can Hit It
Nuclear Caption Ctontse
All Hands on the Poop Deck

Caption Contest Classic (1/12/2005)
The People's Choice

Roasting Hanoi Jane

Sorry, it's not what you were hoping for.

Jane. Well Done.

A Celebrity Roast of Jane Fonda to benefit G-CAPP
Thursday, June 1, 2006 7:00 pm
Georgia Aquarium - Atlanta, Georgia

Confirmed Roasters Include: Eve Ensler, Carrie Fisher, Rosie O'Donnell, Debbie Reynolds, Wanda Sykes, Ted Turner
MC for the Roast: Larry King

Yikes, an evening with Rosie O'Donnel, Wanda Sykes, Ted Turner, and Larry King. Doesn't that fit within the definition of torture according to the Geneva Convention?

Click Here for more information

This post is sponsored by:

Got Interns?

Have you ever wanted to work on Bill Clinton's staff as an intern? If so, you have to check out the job posting found on Monstertrak and posted at Urban Elephants:

... still more irony at the William J. Clinton Foundation website:

...no matter which branch of the Clinton Foundation you work in, you will experience some similarities between each of the programs:
•Hands-on experience
Interns have the responsibility of interacting directly with staff...

Click Here for an application

Jack Bauer demands that you Click Here.

Dumb Criminals Part 2

Helpful Tip for Criminals: Try not to steal items infested with Anthrax spores

The man recovering from exposure to Anthrax after bringing animal skins home with him from a trip to the Ivory Coast in Africa has had a rough few days. First his van was broken into and a ceremonial mask and costume representing Gue-Pelou, God of the Sacred Forest was stolen. A few days later, he fell ill and was treated for Anthrax exposure. He's on the road to recovery; the same may not be true for the thief who took off with the mask and costume, which may be loaded with thousands of deadly Anthrax spores.

New Yorkers, if you see a man walking around in a costume representing Gue-Pelou, it would be a good idea to stay clear.

(Source - NY Post)

Dumb Criminals Part 1

Thursday, February 23, 2006

The Carnival of Bauer™

Announcing The Carnival of Bauer™!!!

It's going to be held every Thursday, and will link to any posts that you submit to us by 12:00 AM the day before (Wednesday), with a very few exceptions:

Posts must be 24-related;
Posts must be more than just a summary of a particular episode (commentary, analysis, humorous summary, etc. is acceptable);
Posts must satisfy our high standards (they can't suck)
So if you've got a post that you want included in next week's edition of The Carnival of Bauer™, then send:
1) The title of the post;
2) A permalink to the post;
3) Your name (blog pseudonyms are acceptable);
4) Your email address; and
5) A brief summary of the content of the post.
to Blogs4Bauer@gmail.com with the subject line "Carnival of Bauer" and you will be included.

So get posting, and get submitting to The Carnival of Bauer™!!!

I donated $200 to HillaryClinton.com and all I got was this lousy t-shirt!

Hillary Clinton sends out more junk emails than John Kerry. I didn't think anyone could match the quantity of verbose crap that Kerry sends out, but Hillary has become the top cigar in my gmail inbox.

Last week I received two emails on the same day railing about healthcare (from Hillary of all people). This week I got fundraising appeals from both Paul Begala and Tom Carville (just typing their names gives me the willies). You realize that Hillary has NO competition from the GOP for her Senate race. She already has around $35,000,000 and some change to run a campaign against nobody. What is she raising more money for?

Carville's email is pretty tame, but it does have the obligatory Karl Rove name drop.

Then her latest Republican opponent has a meeting in Karl Rove's office, and
next thing you know he claims she's helping the enemy.
To make her Senate race a little more exciting, Paul and Tom have a little wager on who can raise more money for Hillary. I think the loser has to wear a trashcan on their head.
I know my good buddy Paul Begala yesterday asked you to join Team Hillary - explaining how much we need to count on your support month after month.

I'm writing to you today to add my voice to his. And I have a little wager with Paul that I can recruit more supporters, so I'm adding a special incentive. If you pledge a monthly gift of $20 or more, you'll get a Hillary T-shirt designed by Marc Jacobs.
So you can drop $200 ($20 a month until November), and all you get is a lousy Hillary tee? Hell, I donated $50 to Bush's 2004 campaign and got invited to the inauguration. For those who are don't want that kind of commitment, you have the option of dropping $35 for one on the site as well.

You know, this Hillary Tee reminds me of another famous face t-shirt.

24: The Movie(s)

Here's a bit of gossip for you 24 fans out there. According to Moviehole.net, Jack Bauer will not star in a movie based on the show 24. No, he'll star in 3 movies based on the show 24.

Kiefer has inked a 3 movie deal for a series of '24' movies at Fox. Yep, three. Chances are, you'll see the first one going before-the-cameras as early as '07.
Are you still not pumped up?

Apparently Bruce Willis has even mentioned to Kief that he'd be keen to cameo in one of the films. Big fan of the prime-time hit apparently.
For more information on the flick, check out 24: The Movie

Other possible 24 spin-offs
24: The Adult Diaper
42: 24 for Dyslexics
24: The Dishwashing Liquid

Got other spin-offs you would like to see? Post them in the comments.

Beware of The Evil Eye

Some women always complain that men are dogs.

Girl Weds Dog to Ward Off 'Evil Eye'

NEW DELHI (AP) -- A 7-year-old girl wed a stray dog as part of a ritual to ward off the "evil eye" on her and her family in eastern India, a news agency reported Wednesday.

Since the girl is 41 in dog years, the dog is disparaged because the bitch is past her prime.

The bride's father said his daughter would be free to marry a human at a later date, which would mean some guy will enter into a relationship with the bar set at an all-time low. Just don't pee on the carpet or hump her leg.

(Source - 1010 Wins)

Wednesday, February 22, 2006

Breaking: Anthrax Found in NYC

Mayor Bloomberg is holding a briefing on the developing story.

Basically a man contracted Anthrax while handling animal skins while on a trip to the west coast of Africa. He uses the skins to make drums. The skins were infested with the disease and he brought them back to a storage center in Dumbo (Brooklyn).

So far 4 people have been brought in for possible exposure to Anthrax.

This is not an attack, it is natural Anthrax and is no risk to the general public. If you show symptoms of Anthrax exposure, put down the animal skin drumb and get to the hospital.

Olympic Cheerleaders?

For some reason, the Olympic planners thought hours of curling and ice dancing may become boring to some fans. To make the games more exciting, the Italians hired 150 cheerleaders to pump up the crowd.

So far, it seems a only a handful of fans are enjoying the addition of pompoms to the Winter Games (left).

Reason # 334 Why Hillary Will Never be President

In a heated, yet confusing speech about private-school voucher proposals, Hillary stated the vouchers would ultimately lead to a government funded "School of the White Supremacist" and even a "School of the Jihad". Hillary has previously blamed President Bush for creating The School of Rock.

"First family that comes and says 'I want to send my daughter to St. Peter's Roman Catholic School' and you say 'Great, wonderful school, here's your voucher,'" Clinton said. "Next parent that comes and says, 'I want to send my child to the school of the Church of the White Supremacist ...' The parent says, 'The way that I read Genesis, Cain was marked, therefore I believe in white supremacy. ... You gave it to a Catholic parent, you gave it to a Jewish parent, under the Constitution, you can't discriminate against me.'"
As an adoring, if somewhat puzzled, audience of Bronx activists looked on, Clinton added, "So what if the next parent comes and says, 'I want to send my child to the School of the Jihad? ... I won't stand for it."
So Hillary says parents wanting their kids to attend a Catholic school would lead to jihad?

Point - Counterpoint: Jack Bauer could not have shot down one of our AS 350 Ecureuil Helicopters with a handgun

(crossposted at Blogs4Bauer)
Hi I'm Mark Paganini, the CEO of American Eurocopter. Like many Americans, I was sitting down with my dog and a bottle of scotch to watch 24 Monday night. I usually root for Jack Bauer and the goofballs at CTU. That is until Jack went up against one of my company's AS 350 Ecureuil's. There is no way that a handgun, even fired by Jack Bauer, could take down one of our helicopters.

Let me say that the bad guys made a nice choice in personal helicopters. No other commercial helicopter can transport 7 Russian men with machine guns to a random rooftop in order to carry out an assassination like the AS 350. The Turbomeca Arriel 2B1 turbine engine provided these men with a fast, yet comfortable ride from their hideout and back. The light allow body increases fuel efficiency and lowers gas costs to the cash strapped rouge Russian terrorists. The optional integrated entertainment package also allows the passengers to enjoy DVDs and CDs with digital stereo outputs in each of the seats.

It's true the AS 350 was not made to withstand gunfire, but Jack's firing position in relation to the Turbomeca Arriel 2B1 turbine engine and his use of a handgun makes drops the probability of Jack Bauer shooting down the helicopter about the same as Snakes on a Plane winning a Golden Globe.

Thank You,

American Eurocopter
President and Chief Executive Officer
Mark Paganini

Previous Point-Counterpoint Posts
Point - It's Time To Turn Jack Bauer Over To The Chinese
Counterpoint - Confucius Say, "Man With Wandering Groin Accomplishes Little."

Point - Impeach Weasel, Dennis Kucinich For President
Counterpoint - Fox should fight off impeachment like Shelley Winters fought off diet cola

Point - They are already illegally wiretapping Jack Bauer's cell phone, whose next?
Counterpoint - The U.S. government does not violate our civil rights enough!

Devine Outlook For St. Louis

Pope Names 15 New Cardinals
-1010 Wins

Is it too early for me to predict the St. Louis Cardinals to win the World Series?

Regardless, it's not too late to join The Hot Wing Conspiracy, the premier Yahoo! Free Fantasy Baseball league. There are only a small number of slots left open so sign up today.

Click Here to join today!
League ID#: 8740
Password: hillary

Tuesday, February 21, 2006

Carter Supports Bush Port Push

Is turning over the operation of US ports to the UAE a bad idea?

Carter backs Bush's stand on seaport-operations deal
Former President Jimmy Carter downplayed criticism of White House support of an Arab-owned company's purchase of a major seaport-operations firm.
-Miami Herald
That about sums it up, it's a very bad idea.

Dumb Criminals Part 1

Fletcher Quiller responded to a fire, in the building he lived, in a most unusual way. After clearing residents out of the building, Quiller "carjacked" the first fire truck he saw and drove around the burning building.

Quiller's excuse was that he drove the truck so that firefighters would follow him around the burning apartment building and fight the fire from behind the structure.

The mother of the Fire truck-jacker calls him a "hero", A judge is likely to call him "guilty". His joyride led to being charges of second-degree grand larceny, a felony; second-degree obstructing governmental administration, a misdemeanor; and criminal possession of marijuana.

(Source - 1010Wins)

Friday, February 17, 2006

Weekend Caption Contest

What's Wrong With Ew? Caption Contest
(Source - AP)

Top Entries
- GOP and College

9. Ohhh those evil Ew bastards make me so mad. - The Man
8. "Guess we should've checked the dictionary on how to spell ewes" - Rodney Dill
7. Don't pay attention to that bomb belt I'm wearing. George Bush is the real terrorist. - lawhawk
6. Obviously, he left off the apostrophe to indicate the possesive form of EW. Though who EW might be still escapes me. - charles austin
5. FREEBIRD! - jimmyb
-Cowboy Blob

3. "And death to the Ionists as well!!" - Buckley F. Williams
2. "What do we want?!"
"Sex with camels!"
"When do want want it?!"
"We already do it!" - DamianG
1. Now what in the name of hell have lambs done to tick of the Islamofascist neanderthals?! - Gayle Miller

Photoshop Entries

- Cowboy Blob

-GOP and College

Previous Contests
Cheney Can Hit It
Nuclear Caption Ctontse
All Hands on the Poop Deck
Georgius Bushius

Caption Contest Classic (3/4/2005)
Conspiracy Theorist Caption Contest

I Aint Having Sex With No Goat

The following is a true conversation I had with a fellow pledge brother in the backseat of a car...while blindfolded awaiting whatever the ΣAE active brothers had in store for us.

Pledge Brother (PB): What do you think they will make us do?
Me: I don't know.
PB: I Aint Having Sex With No Goat!
Me: Dude, they're not going to make us have sex with a goat.
Me: Shut up and drink your beer.
If I had a dime every time we told pledges that they were going to have relations with a toaster, goat, and other inanimate objects in order to gain admittance into our band of brothers, we would have built a frat house the size of Buckingham Palace.

One fraternity at Western Kentucky University took things a bit far.
At 2:25 a.m. Thursday, Bowling Green Police responded to a loud party at the "Alpha Gamma Rho" house at 1436 Chestnut. During their investigation of the agriculture fraternity, police discovered a goat in the basement. It had no food or water, and was standing in its own urine and feces...the goat was brought in on a whim, as a prank, to make some pledges think they would have to have sex with it. But Peyton says it was not hazing-related, and no one was ever going to have sex with the goat.

(Source - WBKO)

Thursday, February 16, 2006

The War on Pastries

TEHRAN, Iran - Iranians love Danish pastries, but when they look for the flaky dessert at the bakery they now have to ask for "Roses of the Prophet Muhammad."

Bakeries across the capital were covering up their ads for Danish pastries Thursday after the confectioners' union ordered the name change in retaliation for caricatures of the Muslim prophet published in a Danish newspaper.

If weeks of shooting each other, rioting, and burning statues of Ronald McDonald did little to satisfy the Muslim mobs; renaming pastry will probably have little effect.

Cartoons of Muhammad - bad
Naming a donut in his honor - good

Call me an infidel, but I think they should spend more time in schools learning how to properly construct a sentence, rather than coming up with Islam-themed baked goods.

(Source - AP)

Other Links
Suitable Flip: And a Donut With No Holes...
Conservative Princess
California Conservative

Gumb: Stupid is as Stupid Does

Bryant Gumbel made some comments about the lack of blacks in the Winter Olympics on HBO's Real Sports With Bryant Gumbel.

Finally, tonight, the Winter Games. Count me among those who don’t care about them and won’t watch them ... Because they’re so trying ... Like, try not to be incredulous when someone attempts to link these games to those of the ancient Greeks who never heard of skating or skiing. So try not to laugh when someone says these are the world’s greatest athletes, despite a paucity of blacks that makes the Winter Games look like a GOP convention.

I'm not going to rant and rave about his comments. As dumb as they are....they are true, there are not many blacks in the Winter Olympics.

I will call Gumbel a hypocrite, because I noticed a certain sports reporter participating in one of the figure skating events the other night. Also, I didn't know they had Curling at the GOP convention. I was there at the RNC last summer and I must have missed out on the volunteer opportunities for the Super G.

And later on CNBCs non-stop coverage of Curling, I watched as Bryant blew the last toss in a losing effort against Finland.

For more on this story, click here

Other links
Public Eye
Iowa Voice

"I don't like the Winter Olympics because it is full of crackers" - Bryant Gumbel

"It's the most hectic, nerve-racking city (NYC). Imagine having to take the 7 Train to the ballpark, looking like you're riding through Beirut next to some kid with purple hair, next to some queer with AIDS, right next to some dude who just got out of jail for the fourth time, right next to some 20-year-old mom with four kids. It's depressing." - John Rocker

Blogs4Bauer - Point- Counterpoint

Point: It's Time To Turn Jack Bauer Over To The Chinese
Jack Bauer's a wanted man, a criminal in my eyes and in the eyes of our Chinese friends. Agent Bauer's actions in the name of "national security" led to the needless death of a Chinese embassy official. I feel China's pain. (dramatic pause)

Before long, the Chinese-version of CTU will realize that not only does Frank Flynn look like and Jacob Rossler sound like the real Jack Bauer. It will not be long before they know that Bauer must be alive and therefore not dead anymore. I hate sending Secret Service goons out to kill a friend just like any other President, but sometimes it has to be done. (longer, more dramatic pause)

I know there are still something like 15 canisters of deadly nerve gas still out there with Badger and his crew. But without the unlock code, the terrorists...errr I mean the militants cannot do anything but admire the shiny coating of the canisters. Trust me, we have nothing to fear. It's not like they'll find a way to bypass the arming mechanism and disperse the gas in a crowded place, like a mall.

My best friend, Al Gore would like to address another issue we hold dear.

"Ahhhh.. BBushhhhh Oooiiilllll! Uhhhh.
The gas guzzling Ford Explorers which CTU drives around in are the root causes of GLOBAL WARMING!! Ahhhhh. Go see my movie. Thanks"
Thanks Al. My fellow Americans; China provides us with vital resources like speed skaters, General Tso's Chicken, and those little plastic things on the end of shoe laces. What's the point in jeopardizing this partnership by letting Jack Bauer go unpunished? CTU and Division have enough quality agents, hot babes, and Edgars to get the job done without Jack's help. If I were President Logan, I'd have my Attorney General send in the troops to take him back to the imprisoned life he deserves, Elian-style.

(crossposted at Blogs4Bauer)

Previous Point-Counterpoint Posts
Point - Impeach Weasel, Dennis Kucinich For President
Counterpoint - Fox should fight off impeachment like Shelley Winters fought off diet cola

Point - They are already illegally wiretapping Jack Bauer's cell phone, whose next?
Counterpoint - The U.S. government does not violate our civil rights enough!

Wednesday, February 15, 2006

Wild, Wild West

What can we look forward to from the left once the last Birdshot Cheney joke is told? Well here's a letter to the editor from today's AMNY newspaper that could give us some insight into how the loonies are reacting to the story. To sum it up: Republicans should hunt and kill other Republicans.

Wild West GOP
February 15, 2006
Republicans and hunters: NOW don't you think gun control is a good idea?

When even experienced hunters like Cheney and Harry Whittington can get into
accidents, are you so blind and stupid that you can't reconsider your Wild West views?

I suppose not -- you who kill defenseless animals for pleasure, not survival, are far too sick and twisted for sane human thought. I only wish you'd choose fair competition by hunting and killing each other -- but I guess, unlike Wild-Westerners, you're not man enough.
--J. Andrew Smith, Bloomfield, NJ
J. Andrew Smith, you are an idiot.

Update: I have emailed AMNY with this "letter to the editor":
Your paper published a letter (Wild West GOP) from an absolute lunatic in New Jersey. In his letter, J. Andrew Smith, comes to the rescue of "defenseless animals" by stating that hunters (and Republicans) are sick and twisted and therefore should instead hunt and kill each other, if they were man enough. One more time: these evil hunters (and Republicans) should kill each other. That's some amazing logic.

Now in your paper's guidelines for letters, you mention that "writers must mention relevant financial, political or other interest in a subject". Mr. Smith's rantings were not like the weekly Herb Stark irrelevant letters. This letter from Mr. Smith was calling for hunters (and Republicans) to go out and kill each other. Please explain how this is relevant to the subject. Why have guidelines when you fail to adhere to them?

As for Mr. Smith, he should switch to de-cafe, take a deep breath, and chill out.