Friday, December 29, 2006

Saddam -a- Gone Gone

Well Hung. Good riddance.

Weekend Caption Contest

Saddam -a- Go-go Caption Contest

Top Entries
5. And if you put me back in power, I promise that Friday night will be officially known as Fajita Night! - Pam
4. Showing off his Travolta-like moves as proof, Saddam makes a somewhat convincing case he's innocent. Quote. "The 'Baath Party'? Its a Gay Disco Club I go to." - Troll
3. "Did you see that? The Man's sister called me a douche!" - Wyatt Earp


1. In a desperate move, Saddam tries the old "Look It's An Unmanned Aerial Vehicle" trick and swiftly tries to escape the courtroom. - fmragtops

Photoshop Entries
- The Man



Other Contests
Wizbang - The God Father
WILLisms - Wide Load
Outside the Beltway - Sucki Santa
Right Pundits - One Way
Rightlinx - I don't want to know
Bagel Blogger - Clowns to my left

Previous Contests
Saddam -a- Go-go - Part 1
Merry Hillmas
Castro Caption Contest
Joyeux Anniversaire Caption Contest
Holiday Caption Contest
The Wrong Stuff Caption Contest
A New Direction Caption Contest

Caption Contest Classic (12/30/05)
GW Phone Home Caption Contest

Hookers Gone Wild

This prostitute goes nuts over lack of whipped cream on her hot chocolate so she throws the hot beverage at the worker and then tears apart a Dunkin Donuts story is brought to us from Brooklyn, NY.

Aly allegedly went behind the counter and got in Rajaddaev's face. He told her to leave, and she allegedly threw her still-hot cocoa at the worker, scalding his face, neck and hands.

Another worker called 911, while Rajaddaev locked the doors to prevent Aly from escaping. Boiling with rage, Aly scratched the worker's burned face, sources said.

Then, according to sources, she ripped the door off a freezer and hit him in the head with it.
I burnt my arm on the oven at the Little Ceasar's I worked at as a teenager, so I can relate.

(Source - NY Post)

Thursday, December 28, 2006

Go Rutgers

No. 16 Rutgers (10-2) vs Kansas State (7-5)
Date: Dec. 28, 2006
Kickoff Time: 8:00 PM
Television: NFL Network

My prediction: Rutgers 35 - Kansas State 14
Final Score: Rutgers 37 - Kansas State 10

Tin Hat Thursday: Danny Bonaduce, 9/11, and myspace

Have you ever wanted to know what would happen if you cross a mentally unstable 9/11 conspiracy nut with an equally unstable Partridge Family member?

On December 7th, Danny Bonaduce was ambushed by a film crew made up of 9/11 conspiracy nuts on the street who launched into a diatribe about how Washington was behind the 9/11 attacks. Bonaduce ended up defending President Bush and the Iraq war and making a fool of the 9/11 nuts.

The video of the incident went up on YouTube and soon enough, peace activists started handing out death threats to the former Partridge Family star. They also stalked Bonaduce's 12 year old daughter on her myspace page. Nice.

"If [the interviewer] had personally offended me or I got death threats and I didn't have children, I would have tracked him down and kicked his skull in, and that would have been the end of that," Bonaduce told us. "But I have children, and you can't behave like that anymore."
The FBI is now investigating.

Check out the video - especially towards the end when John Conner realizes he just got terminated by Danny Bonaduce.

(Source - NY Daily News)

Wednesday, December 27, 2006

RIP Gerald Ford

1996 episode of SNL featuring Dana Carvey as Tom Brokaw, announcing the various ways Gerald Ford could die.

"Tragedy today as former President Gerald Ford was eaten by wolves. He was delicious."

Santa's Got a Brand New UAV

Santa, played by Ken Rice, a civilian contractor with AAI Corp., and his six reindeer, Soldiers from Company E, 615th Aviation Support Battalion, prepare for launch on an unmanned aerial vehicle launcher at Camp Taji, Iraq Dec. 18. U.S. Army photo by Master Sgt. Winston Churchill.


Jon Carry Stuck in Irak...alone


This is a true story....Check out this photo from our mess hall at the US Embassy yesterday morning. Sen. Kerry found himself all alone while he was over here. He cancelled his press conference because no one came, he worked out alone in the gym w/o any soldiers even going up to say hi or ask for an autograph (I was one of those who was in the gym at the same time), and he found himself eating breakfast with only a couple of folks who are obviously not troops.
(Source - Powerline)

24 Point/Counter Point

Point: I wasn't invited to Jack Bauer's whine and cheese party.
-Snake Plissken

The name is Snake and I'm really getting tired of all of Jack Bauer's holier-than-thou bullsh#t. For too long, I've had to watch as Bauer saves the day in 24 hours, with a little less complaining and more killing it should have been saved in 22. I didn't know Jack Bauer was hosting a whine and cheese party; do I need to bring some brie? What's that? I'm not invited? Good.

I flew a glider during the Battle of Leningrad, a decorated hero for action in Siberia and Leningrad...the youngest man to be decorated by the President. After serving my country, I didn't get a nice CTU desk job. No, I got sent to New York Maximum Security Prison, otherwise known as Manhattan.
Then my country decided it needed me for a mission. Done.
and told me to fly a Gulfstream glider onto the Trade Center. Done.
and rescue the President. Done.
Did I get 24 hours? No, I got 22.

Jack Bauer's pretty hair, cell phone, Curtis, and manpurse are starting to annoy me. I had only had only Mac-10 and a glider to save the President.

My lifeclock is telling me that it's time for Jack Bauer to end his damn whine and cheese party. And f&$king I hate brie.

Previous Point-Counterpoint Posts
Point - I know that YOU want to come back to me. by Heroin
Counterpoint - Jack doesn't need you anymore, heroin. He has me.By Adrenaline

Point - New York and Connecticut Need Their Own Senators. by CBS Anchor Katie Couric
Counterpoint - Katie Couric Needs To Shut Her Pie Hole. by Chloe O'Brian

Point- I would make a kick-ass CTU Agent! by President Bush
Counterpoint- If I Were At CTU, None Of These Attacks Would Have Happened. by John F. Kerry

Point - Bauer, You're Out! by Jimmy "Da Hammer" Lopez
Counterpoint - Without Jack Bauer, the only cup you'd be drinking from is between your legs!- by Peter Gammons

Point- "We do not need Rack Bauer" by Chinese General Tso
Counterpoint - Jack's Coming To Thin Out Your Herd by President Logan

Point - It's time to give credit where credit is due. by Jack Bauer's manpurse
Counterpoint - That man-purse makes you look like a sissy. by Mr. Blackwell

Point - Jack Bauer's Threats Will Not Stop Iran's Nuclear Plans. by Mahmoud Ahmadinejad
Counterpoint - Keep It Up And We'll Give You Nuclear Weapons ASAP - Courtesy Of The B-2 Bomber. by Donald Rumsfeld

Point - Dude, I Wouldn't Hit That, Again. by Spenser Wolff
Counterpoint - A Guy Who Is Hung Like A Chinese Church-mouse Shouldn't Run His Pie-hole So Much. by Chloe O'Brian

Point - Don't Hold Your Breath; Heller's Dead. by Ted Kennedy
Counterpoint - Anything Is Possible. by Mary Jo Kopechne

Point - I'm Going to Kill Jack Bauer! by Christopher Henderson
Counterpoint - Henderson, You're As Good As Dead! by The Grim Reaper

Point- Jack Bauer Cannot Help Recover Your Money, Mr. Rakotozafy (I can) - by Nina Myers
Counterpoint- Everything Nina Myers says is bullsh*t. - by Jack Bauer

Point- Audrey Raines: Kick The Jack Habit Today! - by Dr. Phil (on loan from - Audrey, stand by your man! - by Mary Jo Buttafuoco

Point - Thin Mints are an addictive narcotic - by Jack Bauer
Counterpoint - Thin Mints Are Only The Beginning - by Vladimir Bierko

Point - I'm going to make it! by Random Guard
Counterpoint - Nah, you're not. - by Death

Point - CTU needs better training for their security guards before something bad happens
Counterpoint - My teenage daughter could have stopped every incursion into CTU!

Point- 24:The Game Will Lead to More Violence
Counterpoint - Violence Makes The World Go 'Round

Point - Jack Bauer could not have shot down one of our AS 350 Ecureuil Helicopters with a handgun
Counterpoint - A redneck with a squirt gun could shoot down your euro-trash.

Point - It's Time To Turn Jack Bauer Over To The Chinese
Counterpoint - Confucius Say, "Man With Wandering Groin Accomplishes Little"

Point - Impeach Weasel, Dennis Kucinich For President
Counterpoint - Fox should fight off impeachment like Shelley Winters fought off diet cola

Point - They are already illegally wiretapping Jack Bauer's cell phone, whose next?
Counterpoint - The U.S. government does not violate our civil rights enough!

Thursday, December 21, 2006

Weekend Caption Contest

Merry Hillmas Caption Contest
(Source - The Devil)

Top Entries
7. Hillary shows off the fashion sense that made the 'PantSuit' all the rage. Hawaiian Shirts and Snowflakes! - Troll
6. Further photo-evidence that Hillary really isn't just Bill in drag. - fmragtops
4. Today on the auction block we have this rare photo containing both Bill and Hillary in the same place at the same time. Bidding will start at $19.99. - fmragtops
3. This holiday season, please give generously to my favorite charity, Hillary '08.
Sincerely,.... - chsw10605
2. Hey! I googled Cerberus, the three-headed dog from Hell, not this monstrosity! - Damian G
1. Hell has Frozen over. - Troll

Photoshop Entries

- Wyatt Earp

It's Jack Bauer's Birthday!

Head over to Blogs4Bauer and sign Jack's birthday card.

Survey Says!

The Boston Globe has a web poll that is just a little bizzare. Note the text at the bottom: "'s surveys are not scientifically valid. They reflect the opinions of only those who vote".
I didn't vote.

Person of the Year: Me - Part 3

Yes me.
I control the Information Age.
Welcome to my world.

I'm not sure what caused Time to pick me, but like I said before, it's a good excuse to list my top posts of 2006 (Sept-Dec).

Person of the Year: Me - Part 1
Person of the Year: Me - Part 2

9/11 - 5 Years Later
21st Century Pope Quotes 14th Century Emperor, Angers Muslims Still Living in the 9th Century
Citgo Boycott - This post had 66 comments and 21 trackbacks...with only about half were people calling me stupid.

Postcards from Ned - Ned Lamont's campaign website had a feature where you could send out postcards to random CT people. So I sent one to Kevin Bacon among others.
The Yankees choked, Joe Morgan is a moron, and other obvious observations - I should start a sports blog.
North Korea Throws Like a Girl

Fidel Castro
I celebrated the death of Fidel Castro by offering up some suggestions on what to do with his corpse. A little morbid? Hell Yeah.
More Uses for Castro's Corpse
Still Yet Another 101 Uses for Castro's Corpse
Yet Another 101 Uses for Castro's Corpse
101 More Uses for Castro's Corpse
101 Uses for Castro's Corpse
Where in the World is Fidel?

John Kerry: Last Comic Standing - John Kerry God's gift to bloggers.
Worst Political Ad - 2006 Edition - A Republican got the award for the worst political ad in 2006, she may be up for the all-time award.
Moonbat You Tubed: Mission Accomplished - Beware of the black box.
The Buck Stops Here - Did you know that the Jimmy Carter coin will cost you $10 to purchase, but will only be worth 25 cents.

Bowl Predictor XJ50 - If I did start a sports blog, it would really suck.
No Left Turn in 2008 - Obama is left-handed. So is Osama.
Time: The Middle East: The History, the Conflict, the Culture, the Faiths - Seriously, why would you get Jimmy Carter to pen the introduction to a book about the Middle East?

Wednesday, December 20, 2006

Hot Wing Playoff Guide - Week 2

Last week I posted my picks for the Hot Wing Fantasy Football Playoffs. Like most of my sports related picks...well, let's just say I was a bit off.

There are only a couple of weeks left until the crowning of The Hot Wing Champion! There can be only one.

For a list of how our scores work, click here.

Hot Wing Playoff Guide - Week 2

(1) San Jose Arrowheads (11-3)
Playoff Week 1 Points - 63
3 Key Players - Shaun Alexander, Brett Favre, and Willie Parker
SJA had -5 points from Favre, however Frank Gore and Willie Parker helped secure a 12 point victory over Hector Vex O-Trons. Hector got 15 points from the Philly DEF and 10 from Ron Dayne and that was about it. Look for SJA to move on to the finals despite Brett Favre.

(4) Gridiron Wookies (8-6)
Playoff Week 1 Points - 56
3 Key Players - Jason Elam, Darrell Jackson, Tony Romo
Wookies first and only playoff win came against Bright&Early in a squeaker 56-51. The wooks would be in the consolation game if it wasn't for Elam and the Dallas DEF. B&E had 6 players who scored zero points and still managed to make it close. You cannot even beat my brother's team (Hot Wing Chumpion) with that production.

(6) webcats (8-6)
Playoff Week 1 Points - 58
3 Key Players - LaDainian Tomlinson, LaDainian Tomlinson, LaDainian Tomlinson
Webcats better send LT a Christmas card as his 24 point game got the Cats into the next round. Simply put, if LT plays this weekend, the Webcats should move on.

(7) The Ball Sackers (7-7)
Playoff Week 1 Points - 55
3 Key Players - Jacksonville, Terrell Owens, Ryan Longwell
Simply put, if LT plays this weekend, The Ball Sackers will not move on.

Here's how I thought the playoffs would play out.
Post your comments/predictions in the comments or link to a post on your site.

Letters to the Editor: It's the Democracy Stupid

While it's a barrel of laughs to read Letters to the Editor, sometimes it's much more fun to respond. Especially if the letter is written by a mentally challenged chimp that has a history of penning moronic letters in an attempt to prove that they could be, in fact the biggest tool east of the Hudson River. Someone like say...umm Janice Amato.

The people voted Johnson in
The idea that the enemy (the GOP governor) of a Democratic senator made ill would be the one to appoint his successor - a successor who needs no credentials or merit - is pure madness ["Riveted on his recovery," News, Dec. 15]. The idea that one senator's dying could shift the entire balance of power of a nation is even more insane.

This is almost as sick as Al Gore's getting 600,000 more votes than George W. Bush but still losing because of our politically connected and corrupt political system. Our government is a disgrace, and no one is lifting a finger to fix it. It also angers me that we still call the United States a democracy when it is nothing of the sort.We must demand a change. Our election process is a farce.
Janice Amato - Manhattan

Something makes me wonder if Janice had the same opinion about the fragile balance of power when Jim Jeffords decided to leave the GOP in 2001 (without dying no less) which gave the balance of power she holds so dear, to the Democrats. My magic 8-ball says "No".

By the way, if the name "Janice Amato" sounds familiar, well she happens to have written into AMNY a few weeks ago calling Republicans "sexually depraved". Nice. She also wrote a great letter mocking President Bush's tax cuts with a classic quote: "Do MUGGER and other right-wing dorks suggest that the tax cuts did, in fact, turn our economy around? The biggest tax cuts in history should equal the biggest economic boom in history, no?"

Back to her tirade in Tuesday's edition of Newsday, I could not let her get away with at least one of her poorly quoted points. Here's the letter I emailed Newsday (who once again, failed to print my response).
Regarding Janice Amato's letter (The people voted Johnson in). She states "It also angers me that we still call the United States a democracy when it is nothing of the sort." This would be the only point of her screed that Janice is right about. The United States is not a democracy, it is a Constitutional Republic. Before people like Janice Amato start ripping apart our political system, it would make sense for them to pick up a social studies book first.
One day, Newsday or AMNY will stop posting pictures of people throwing out a shocker and print one of my letters, but I won't hold my breath.

Here are some previous Letters to the Editor posts:
Click Here for Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Part 5, Part 6, Part 7, Part 8, Part 9
Letters to the Editor: Copycat letters to the editor
Letters to the Editor: Janice Amato off her meds
Letters to the Editor: Welcome to NY
Letter to Editor: Bush, Brits, and Ned Lamont
Marilyn Briskin is Just Crazy
Letter to Editor: Cuba is Swell
Letter to Editor: Wild, Wild West
Letter To the Editor: Herb Stark
Letter to the Editor

Google Searched

Who are you sick people that land on my site?

Tuesday, December 19, 2006

Fun With AMNY

Can you spot the funny?

(from today's AMNY)

Also in today's AMNY, fellow blogger and Caption Contest contestant, Lawhawk was quoted about the New York Knicks brawl.


DENVER -- With a decision expected any day on where the Democratic Party will hold its 2008 national convention, a union leader in Denver has refused to sign a no-strike pledge, a move one organizer called a possible deal-breaker.

Jim Taylor, head of the Local No. 7 International Alliance of Theatrical Stage Employees, is refusing to sign the agreement pledging not to strike if the (Democratic) convention comes to Denver, labor officials told The Denver Post.
Taylor, remember not to bite the hand that feeds you.


I'm trying to find the most disturbing part of this story, but there are just too many.

Family recovers cremated remains in missing car

JOHNSON CITY, Tenn. A Johnson City woman has been reunited with her husband and brother after their cremated remains were recovered from the trunk of her missing car.

Kris Peace imagined the worst when her car disappeared from a service station Friday with the ashes of her husband, Willard Peace, and her brother, Noel Kaskell, inside the trunk.

Both remains had been kept in the car since their deaths in 2005. Peace said her husband loved driving, which is why she kept him in the car.

Peace's niece found the abandoned car Sunday in Washington County. The trunk was open, but the remains were still inside.

Peace, who has been in Florida visiting relatives, plans to keep her loved ones closer when she returns to Tennessee.

She said she bought a Christmas tree ornament to keep their ashes in. When traveling, she'll keep the ornament in her pocket or in a fanny pack.
Is it that she still wears a fanny pack or that she plans on filling a Christmas ornament with the cremated remains of her husband and brother and carrying it around in a fanny pack?

Time: The Middle East: The History, the Conflict, the Culture, the Faiths

Time Magazine recently put out a softcover book on "The Middle East", but it seems like the editors had quite a sense of humor or irony. What made me laugh and almost fork over the $14 is located near the bottom of the cover.

Check it out below.

Time: The Middle East: The History, the Conflict, the Culture, the Faiths with an introduction by none other than Jimmy Carter. You have got to be kidding me is what I thought, Mad magazine must have had a hand in this.

When looking for someone to introduce a book on the Middle East, did they get shot down by something like 942 people before asking Carter?

I guess you can expect this from Time Magazine. After all, I was a little confused by a couple of the previous special editions as well.

Do you have other questionable calls by the Time staff? The History of The World Series (introduction by Harry Carey) comes to mind. Post them in the comments.

Person of the Year: Me - Part 2

Yes me.
I control the Information Age.
Welcome to my world.

I'm not sure what caused Time to pick me, but like I said before, it's a good excuse to list my top posts of 2006 (May -Aug). I will post Part 3 (Sept - Dec) on Wednesday.

Patrick Kennedy
Patrick Kennedy had the worst mid-year that anyone without an "R" next to their name can have. After driving his tacky Ford Mustang into a barrier, he told the cops that he was late for a vote on Capitol was 3am. Now I don't know if you ever watched Schoolhouse Rocks, but they don't usually vote on bills at 3am, drunk.
Patrick also had a 'macaca' moment when pictures surfaced of him dressing up in black-face for a party a few years back. The wise people of Rhode Island will likely vote him back in office, so until next year, here are my Patrick Kennedy posts of 2006.
Stop me if you have heard this one before...
Patrick Kennedy: Soul Man
Patrick Kennedy Goes Black-face Caption Contest
All In The Family Caption Contest
Media Silence: Sen. Reid Also Took Patrick Kennedy To Boxing Matches
Photo Evidence: Patrick Kennedy Present at Oswald Shooting, In Black-face...
Patrick Kennedy's Role on 24, in black-face
Patrick Kennedy Helped Send the 1996 NY Yankees to the World Series, in Black-face
Patrick Kennedy is Back in Black...face
Patrick Kennedy Pleads Guilty to DUI...and DWB

Hillary for President Rally Draws Tens... - Hillary for President rally in Tennessee? What could go wrong?
Scott Harper in Drug Rehab: Never Saw That Coming - My site is the official destination for all things Scott Harper.
The President Has Been Impeached - I will miss Commander in Chief....not.

Emails From John Kerry - Some people say Kerry doesn't know night from day. Actually they are pretty much dead on.
Karl Rove Behind Boy Band Breakups - Since Rove was not busy helping reelect Republicans, he turned his attention to Boy Bands.
Hey Man Nice Frame - How Al-Zarqawi would look if the US Army spent more time and money on its picture frames.

Emails from John Kerry: Profiles in Sadomasochism - A strange email from John Kerry details his losses in 2006.
Crybaby Caption Contest - Caption contest using the photo of the year.

Hey Graham Stewart, Nice Mask! - The Tennessean posts the best quote of 2006 (in my opinion)
GOP and the City Turns 2
Cynthia McKinney is to "Class" as Fidel Castro is to "Alive"
Cynthia McKinney Blames Midgets for Primary Loss
Conjunction Junction Bombed by Muslim Terrorist Group - I love Engrish.

Person of the Year: Me - Part 1

Monday, December 18, 2006

The War on Christmas - Part 2

The Tennessean is covering a regional conflict in the global War on Christmas. This conflict centers on the abduction and destruction of local Christmas lawn decorations.

A couple in Nolensville had their yard hit last month with inflatable decor being cut open, reindeer kicked, and two plastic figures stolen (an elf and a snowman). The elf has been returned, but it shows obvious signs of torture.

The 25-year-old plastic Christmas elf appeared to have been burned, dragged through black tar, bent at the legs and smeared on his bottom with feces.
What sick person smears feces on the bottom of a plastic Christmas elf? There has been no sign of the snowman.

(Source - Tennessean)

Person of the Year: Me - Part 1

Yes me.
I control the Information Age.
Welcome to my world.

Time magazine published its annual Person of the Year and that person is "you" or "me", however you want to look at it. This year, I beat out Iranian president and jackass, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad. However, it appears that Wyatt thinks Time chose him. Yes, denial runs through Egypt but empties in Philly.

I'm not sure what caused Time to pick me, but it's a good excuse to list my top posts of 2006 (Jan - April). Not that you care, but I'll post (May -Aug) tomorrow and (Sept - Dec) on Wednesday.

SCONJ Ruling Gets Thrown Out - NJ Supreme Court wanted to allow baseball fans to sue if they get hit by foul balls.
Irony Surrenders - Ted Kennedy puts out a kids book.
Mayor Bloomberg: Ban Golf Umbrellas - My campaign to rid NYC of golf umbrellas. Fore.
Jack Bauer Gets Fired! - Trump and Bauer go at it. Only one drama queen can survive.
Got Interns? - The Clinton Foundation is looking for interns.
Gumb: Stupid is as Stupid Does - Bryant Gumbel is a douche.
This is not a caption contest - Sen. Debbie Stabenow created the most captionable image of 2006.
B4B Fight Club: Bauer v. Trump II - Part 2 of the Bauer-Trump fight.
Roger Toussaint Jail Diary: Day 4 - TWU president Roger Toussaint spent some time in jail after his failed strike. GOP and the City had access to his jail diary.
Scambaiting Jack Bauer Style - Part 2 - Have you ever wondered what would happen if Jack Bauer replied to a Nigerian email scam?
Bauer Replaces McClellan as Press Secretary - Have you ever wondered what would happen if Jack Bauer replaced the White House Press Secretary?

Friday, December 15, 2006

Weekend Caption Contest

Castro Caption Contest
(Source - AFP)

Top Entries
6. Dear Diary,Hugo continued with his lecherous advances again today. They are getting harder and harder to resist. I just find his waterhead so damned sexy. I know I shouldn't but I think I'll sleep with him after the big Communist Dictators' New Year's mass hanging and barn dance. - fmragtops
5. Dear The Man,
No, I am not wearing any underwear...Why?
Fidel - sgtfluffy
4. Dear Santa.... - Linda
3. "Dearest Jimmy,
How I pine for the summer evenings we used to spend together. You ignored my human rights abuses just like the snivelling hypocrite you are. Alas, I fear I am not long for this world! Keep in touch, my little peanut.
Ever Leftist,Fidel" - Damian G
2. My Last Will and Testament: Being of sound mind and body, I hereby bequeath free elections to the long-suffering people of Cuba...hah, gotcha! More Communism for everyone! - Pam
1. Better dead AND red. - Wyatt Earp

Photoshop Entries

- The Man


Previous Contests
Fear the Stache Caption Contest
Joyeux Anniversaire Caption Contest
Holiday Caption Contest

The Wrong Stuff Caption Contest
A New Direction Caption Contest
John Kerry Caption Contest, Of Course
Is Your Caption Contest Running

Caption Contest Classic (12/16/05)
Number One Caption Contest

Would you like some fries with that Sheik?

"I am sensing that you want a Red Ryder BB Gun, you know that you'll shoot your eye out"

Thursday, December 14, 2006

Talk Like Jack Bauer Day - January 15

Blogs4Bauer has put together a little "how-to" guide to talking like Jack Bauer on January 15th.

Here's a sample:

Q: I don't know how to "talk" like Jack Bauer.
You're already well on your way, since that was not a question and Jack does not have time for questions. Additionally, if you find yourself not knowing how to talk like Jack Bauer, it's acceptable to just act like Jack Bauer. That usually means lots of excessive force.

Q: What if someone gets upset with my Jack Bauer impersonation?
A: Act more upset or use excessive force.

How to act on Talk Like Jack Bauer Day
-Issue threats that involve family members and/or body parts.
-Always mention that you're running out of time.
-Carry a manpurse. Wear aviators. Don't do drugs.
-Carry around zip ties and a pair of pliers (because you never know).
-Ask a coworker for either a hacksaw or lighter fluid.
-Keep a car battery and some jumper cables on your desk.
-Throw out a "Dammit" during the day, just for the hell of it.
-Drink each time you hear a co-worker say "Dammit".
-Make a mistake at work? Blame Nina Myers.
-Request everything be sent to your PDA (works best if you don't have one).

Click Here to read the whole damn thing.

New York's Culture of Corruption

New York State Senator and chairman of the Senate Democratic Conference, Efrain Gonzalez Jr. (D-Bronx) has been accused of stealing more than $423,000 from state money to pay for rent, gifts, and even Yankee tickets. Mr. Gonzalez even funneled some of the money to help renovate his mother-in-law's home in the Dominican Republic (how sweet) and $9,000 of the money went to a cigar distribution company (that Mr. Gonzalez owns) to design and print cigar bands.

If you live outside of New York, why should you care?

The charges unsealed yesterday replace an indictment against Mr. Gonzalez unsealed in August charging him with mail fraud by taking money from the Bronx nonprofit, the Pathways for Youth.
Pathways' stated intent was to improve the welfare of young people and was formerly known as the Boys' Athletic League. The federal government is a large source of its funding.
In short, he stole your tax dollars that were intended for little leaguers to pay for home renovations in the Dominican Republic. Brian McLaughlin (D-Queens) is also accused of stealing bundles of money from the little league and is facing 500 years in jail.

The story has a bit of irony since he first came to office after his predecessor was convicted of making false statements on a bank loan application.

With the addition of Efrain Gonzalez Jr. to the list of corrupt politicians from NYC, that brings the total to 9 or 11% of New York City's 80-member delegation to Albany that have been charged with crimes over the past 3 years.

(Source - NY Sun)

Wednesday, December 13, 2006

John Kerry Mideast Tour - 2006

The USO is known for sending over comedians like Bob Hope overseas to visit our troops. Now a new comedian is heading to Iraq to spread some cheer amongst our troops.

John "you get stuck in Iraq" Kerry will stop in Iraq on a tour that will also take him to comedy clubs in Egypt, Jordan, Lebanon, Syria and Israel. The Beirut Comedy Shack, Baghdad Improv, and the Cairo Laugh Factory have all sold out. The show in Tehran was canceled after the local mullahs forbid people from laughing.

Here are some samples of his jokes that John Kerry plans on telling our troops:

“You know, education, if you make the most of it, if you study hard and you do your homework, and you make an effort to be smart, uh, you, you can do well. If you don’t, you get stuck in Iraq.”
"When I heard that the US military was heading to the Mideast, I thought...what the hell has Iowa ever done to us?"
"Did you hear the joke about the dumb Marines? They sent 3 divisons to the Gulf, now Mexico has no idea what to do with them."
"Q: What do you do if a US soldier throws a pin at you?
A: Run like hell - he's still got a hand-grenade between his teeth."

John Kerry has a few words for the people who are still offended by him calling our soldiers poorly educated. "For anybody who misunderstood (the joke) or got only the White House presentation of it, I'd apologize, obviously," said Kerry (D-ouche).

Tuesday, December 12, 2006

Hot Wing Playoff Guide

The last time I posted a recap from our fantasy football league, The Hot Wing Conspiracy, my team (Robots Eat Babies) had just pulled off a victory and looked like a team heading to the playoffs.

Well three weeks (and losses) team failed to make the playoffs.

Alas, with the next couple of weeks free to check on my other teams that did make the playoffs, I'll also follow and report on our league's final weeks leading up to the crowning of The Hot Wing Champion!

For a list of how our scores work, click here.

Hot Wing Playoff Guide
Week 1 of the playoffs have arrived and here how the remaining teams are divided up and a quick summary of each team.

(1) San Jose Arrowheads (11-3)
Weekly Average - 60.6 points
3 Key Players - Shaun Alexander, Brett Favre, and Willie Parker
Fast Willie Parker leads SJA with a 137 total points which puts him in 5th place overall. Farve faces a weak Detroit team and should do well. Baltimore's Defense plays Cleveland, so expect them to rack up some points on the lowly Browns. You know you have a good team when you can relegate Shaun Alexander to your WR/RB position (basically the DH of fantasy football).

(2) The Columbia CRUNCH (10-4)
Weekly Average - 58.7 points
3 Key Players - Larry Johnson, Tom Brady, and Chester Taylor
The CC had a rough final week, scoring only 4 points against the worst team in the league (The Hot Wing Chumpions). Larry Johnson's points can beat a team on their own...which I think did happen this season. However, TCC is pretty weak when LJ is held in check.

(3) Tax Dodgers (9-4-1)
Weekly Average - 61.5 points
3 Key Players - Drew Brees, Jay Feely, Miami
Tax Dodgers have a great kicker and strong defense. Spending too much time on Special Teams have not hurt the Dodgers, as they finished the season with a 105-69 point victory. If Drew Brees can put together a few more quality starts, the TDs could go deep into the playoffs.

(4) Gridiron Wookies (8-6)
Weekly Average - 55.7 points
3 Key Players - Jason Elam, Darrell Jackson, Tony Romo
The Tony Romo show moves into the playoffs. The Wookies rely heavily on Romo and special teams. Beyond those dudes, the Wookies are pretty weak.

(5) bRight & Early (8-6)
Weekly Average - 55.4 points
3 Key Players - Steven Jackson, Matt Hasselbeck, Brian Westbrook
Why does he have Matt Hasselbeck starting QB? The answer is that Alex Smith is his backup. B&E is one of the more bipolar teams in the league. In their 8 wins, B&E won by an average of 22 points. However in their 6 loses, B&E lost by an average of 16 points. Which team will show up?

(6) webcats (8-6)
Weekly Average - 52.7 points
3 Key Players - LaDainian Tomlinson, LaDainian Tomlinson, LaDainian Tomlinson
LaDainian Tomlinson scored a league high 272 points this season, that's 21 points a game (including one bye week)! The next highest point total was Drew Brees 85 points behind LT. Webcats won their last game 62-29, LT scored 26.

(7) The Ball Sackers (7-7)
Weekly Average - 58.6 Points
3 Key Players - Jacksonville, Terrell Owens, Ryan Longwell
TBalls have had a problem of getting their asses handed to them on bad days. During week 8, TBS lost by 43 points. In fact, the 7 games they lost were by an average of 25 points. After winning their first 5 games, the Sackers only managed 2 more wins over 9 weeks. I smell
Consolation bracket.

(8) Hector Vex O-Trons (7-7)
Weakly Average - 48.9 Points
3 Key Players - Josh Scobee, Donald Driver, Philadelphia
Hector took bigger hits than Nicole Ritchie at a Snoop Dogg party. Earlier this year The Vex's had a 61 point drubbing to go along with ones of 44 and 35 points. Hector has Jason Campbell starting at QB, which should be one of his last mistakes this season.

Here's how I think the playoffs will play out. Let me know what you think. Post your comments/predictions in the comments or link to a post on your site.

Dumb Criminals - Part 14

The story of Paul Cortina of Somers, NY is one where a dumb criminal and their activities come full circle.

Paul Cortina wanted to protest the government's "illegal surveillance'' and instead of writing a nutty letter to AMNY like most local crazies, he went a more direct route and emailed the Associated Press claiming to have built "a bomb to protest the government's involvement in illegal surveillance".

Cortina used the internet to find instructions on how to build his "bomb" which did not contain any explosives. He was kind enough to include his name and phone number in the email, which the AP forwarded on to the FBI.

Following his arrest, Mr. Cortina faces 5 years in prison, has to stay clear of the internet, and is now subject to electronic monitoring.

(Source - 1010 WINS)

Previous Entries
Dumb Criminals Part 1
Dumb Criminals Part 2
Dumb Criminals Part 3
Dumb Criminals Part 4
Dumb Criminals Part 5
Dumb Criminals Part 6
Dumb Criminals Part 7
Dumb Criminals Part 8
Dumb Criminals Part 9
Dumb Criminals Part 10
Dumb Criminals Part 11
Dumb Criminals Part 12
Dumb Criminals Part 13

No Left Turn in 2008

1010 WINS is hosting a poll on who would you vote for if the Democratic Primary were held today. While Hillary and Obama are separated by only 6 points, the leader of the pack is "None of the above" with 38% of the vote.

While the media and talking heads are wet their pants each time Obama enters the same area code, The NY Post has already started digging into his background and printing unflattering stories about Obama. The Post recently ran a story with "10 Things you 10 things you might not know about Barack Obama" which included such damming things as: He's left handed, his middle name is Hussein, he's a liberal, and a heavy smoker.

Now, I don't care that Barack is a democrat, liberal, or African-American with a middle name of Hussein. However, his being left-handed is a problem. Did you know that out of the last five presidents, 4 were left handed (Ford, Reagan, Bush Sr, Clinton)?

That's right, Bill Clinton is left handed (just ask Monica). Osama Bin Laden, also left handed as is Hugo Chávez and Castro.

Abu Musab al-Zarqawi was left handed. He also had dandruff since his head and shoulders were never found.

Eric Cartman, SpongeBob, Zartan, Montgomery Burns and Ned Flanders are all left handed.

Kevin Federline is left handed need I say more?

Monday, December 11, 2006

Nancy Pelosi Picks Another Winner

Jeff Stein at interviewed Rep. Silvestre Reyes (D-TX) on some questions regarding issues he might face as Nancy Pelosi's choice to head up the House Intelligence Committee. After botching some key questions, Pelosi must be asked why she passed up the ranking member of the Intelligence Committee, Rep. Jane Harman (D-CA) for the job.

CQ: Al Qaeda is what, I asked, Sunni or Shia?
Reyes: “Al Qaeda, they have both, you’re talking about predominately?”
CQ: “Sure,”
Reyes: “Predominantly — probably Shiite,”

CQ: And Hezbollah? What are they?
Reyes: “Hezbollah. Uh, Hezbollah...”
He laughed again, shifting in his seat.
Reyes: “Why do you ask me these questions at five o’clock? Can I answer in Spanish? Do you speak Spanish?”

Check out the whole story on CQ, it's not kind to either party.

(Source CNN and CQ)

War on Christmas - Part 1

The "War on Christmas" was the topic at my church this weekend with the priest recalling a "holiday" play starring one of his nephews. The whole play was scrubbed clean of any reference to the dreaded C-word (Christmas) including carols like "Rockin Around the ....Holiday Tree". The newborn Jesus has been replaced by "Frosty the Snowman". In fact, the priest stated an alien visiting from outer space would think we now pray at the altar of meteorology.

Meet William Donohue (no relation to Phil) the president of the Catholic League for Religious and Civil Rights. I like to call him "The General in The War on Christmas". Donohue launched a full-scale assault on the Christmas PC madness (oops, I mean "Holiday").

It is frequently thrown in our face that some feel excluded by Christmas, therefore we have to cease and desist in our celebrations. But every year during Ramadan, non-Muslims are excluded. Should we dumb-down Ramadan as a result? Moreover, white racists feel excluded from Black History Month. Should we cancel it? Or should we educate the bigots? If the answer is obvious, why do we tolerate different rules when it comes to the bigots who hate Christmas?

New York City is Exhibit A when it comes to multicultural madness. It allows the Catholic League to put a Nativity scene in Central Park, but not in the schools; it allows Jews to put a menorah in both places. This is religious discrimination and it explains why we have this case before the courts.

Some say that people like me are making a big deal about nothing. But it must mean something to the radical secularists - the ones who started this fight - otherwise they'd just sit back and enjoy Christmas like the rest of us.

At the risk of being called a bigot, let me wish all New Yorkers a very Merry Christmas.
Read the whole thing over at The Daily News and check out the Catholic League's website for more info and then sing a few bars of your favorite Holiday carols like:
"White Late December"
I'm dreaming of a white late December
With every Holiday card I write
May your days be merry and bright
And may all your late Decembers be white snowy.

Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer
Then one foggy Winter Eve
Frosty the Snowman came to say:
"Rudolph with your nose so bright,
won't you guide my sleigh tonight?"

Thursday, December 07, 2006

Weekend Caption Contest

Fear the Stache Caption Contest
(Source - AFP)

Top Entries
9. C'mere hand is itching for contact with your smug face. - Pam
8. #$%^ You! #$%^ You! !#$^ You! You're Cool, ^*@# You! I'm out! PEACE! - GOP and College
7. Clowns to the left. Jokers to the right. Thank goodness I wont be stuck in the middle for much longer. - lawhawk
6. Ambassador Bolton gives the high five to the only U.N. Ambassador he trusts . . . himself. - Wyatt Earp
5. "The chair recognizes Mr. Wiford Brimley..." - Adjustah

3. Bolton: I solemly swear to kick anyones butt that crosses me!!! - Sssteve
2. "Since I'm resigning, I guess I can finally say what I've always wanted to say...
1. "I must protest! Why is Corey Feldman sitting behind me?" - Wyatt Earp

Photoshop Entries

-The Man


Previous Contests
Bolton - Party's Over Caption Contest
Joyeux Anniversaire Caption Contest
Holiday Caption Contest

The Wrong Stuff Caption Contest
A New Direction Caption Contest
John Kerry Caption Contest, Of Course
Is Your Caption Contest Running
Carve That Bitch Up Caption Contest

Caption Contest Classic (12/9/05)
Santa's Little Helper Caption Contest