Thursday, December 22, 2005

The [Unofficial] Not For Tourists Guide to NYC - Strike Edition

Co-produced by Suitably Flip.

New York has weathered 9/11, terror warnings, a blackout, and now a little transit strike. Not only have New Yorkers prevailed, we has become stronger, better, and more willing to sling poo at transit workers when the subways and buses get back online.

Flip came up with a great idea to take a comical look at the strike in the form of a FAQ for people stranded by this strike or future strikes in our great city.

Q: How long will this strike be going on?
A: The strike will end once the MTA and the transit workers resolve their labor disputes.

Q: What transit options are still running?
A: There are still many convenient options for navigating New York City during the strike.

·Queens to Manhattan: LIRR
·Bronx: Metro North
Long Island: LIRR
·New Jersey:
NJ Transit and PATH Trains
·Brooklyn to Manhattan:
LIRR from Atlantic Ave. to Jamaica. Transfer at Jamaica to a train to Penn Station. In other words, you're screwed.
·Midtown Manhattan to Downtown: You can catch a PATH Train from 33rd Street and it will eventually get you to the World Trade Center. In the meantime, you will pass under the Hudson River twice. Hint: Try not to think about the movie Daylight while crossing under the Hudson.
·Inside Manhattan: Central Park horse carriages, Kramerica rickshaws, and homeless guys will give piggyback rides up 3rd Avenue for $14...just ask them.
·Anywhere else: Bipedal locomotion.

Q: That all sounds fairly exhausting. Where I can get me a little pick me up?

A: There are 286 Starbucks within 20 miles of Midtown Manhattan, so if you need a $9 cup of joe, you are set. As you can see from this image, there are even Starbucks across the street from Starbucks which are on the same block as another Starbucks.

Q: Is New York Safe?
A: Yes, there are cops on nearly every street corner, working extra shifts to ensure your safety, and during the strike, all the homeless people have been sent to New Jersey.

Q: What draconian measures was your transit authority trying to impose on its workers that led to this incredible illegal strike?
A: 9% raises, retire at 55, great benefits, and MLK Day as a paid holiday.

Q: Um, so... exactly how small are the cages they keep the MTA employees in?
A: To be clear, MTA employees are not caged, but live in their private homes as free people. Only the leadership of the TWU face the prospect of a cage on Rikers Island.

Q. I'm an accountant/banker/lawyer and I make less money than many MTA employees. How do I apply for a job?

Q: Okay, I'm willing to come do some holiday shopping in New York. How do I get to Macy's?
A: It's down the street from Gimbels.

Q: I'm a corporate fatcat. I'd like my driver to take me to FAO Schwartz around noon tomorrow, while I eat pickled figs and Carlsfoot jelly in the backseat of my Maybach. Should I take the Midtown Tunnel or the Queensboro Bridge?
A: Actually, to get into town, you'll need at least 4 people in your car. See if your monocle polisher and your watch fob detailer need a ride. Otherwise, there are various pickup locations (Shea, Yankee Stadium, Belmont Park to name a few - click here for the entire list)

Q: I heard there's a 4 passenger restriction on private vehicles south of 96th Street. One time I saw Larry David pick up a prostitute so he could drive in the HOV lane. Where does New York keep its prostitutes?
A: While the historic Times Square area used to offer an abundance of prostitutes, they were all shooed by Rudy Giuliani. Visitors with fewer than 4 passengers are therefore advised to pick up hitchhikers, drifters, and/or large roadkill before entering Manhattan to shore up their numbers.

Q: I am coming in from Jersey, do the 2 bodies I have in the trunk count toward the 4 passenger requirement?
A: Only bodies in the passenger compartment count toward the 4 person minimum, so any deceased cargo will need to be propped up and properly restrained in a seat with a working seat belt.

Q: I've always wanted to visit the UN. Can you tell me how to navigate my way to the epicenter of international community?
A: Gladly. It's a pleasant stroll up 7th Avenue to 2290 Adam Clayton Powell Jr Boulevard.

Q: What can I use my Metrocard for now?
A: During the strike, your Metrocard may be used as a beer coaster, back scratcher, dog poo scraper, tooth picker, frisbee, or a festive holiday tree ornament.

The offical guide to Strike Blogging Posts:
Stike Blogging: Denial. Not a River in Egypt
Strike Blogging: It's Joke Time
Strike Blogging: HiHo-HiHo It's Off To Jail You Go
Strike Blogging: Must Eat Brains!
Strike Blogging: 5 Hours of Commuting and All I Got Was This Lousy Post?
Stike Blogging: Shut up and Drive
Strike Blogging: Wear Comfortable Shoes
Strike Blogging: A Fine Mess
Strike Blogging: Countdown to a Strike
It's a Strike
Strike Forecast: Sucky
Strike Blogging