Thursday, June 23, 2005

Kerry To Run Again In 18,000 Years

"As we head into the 20005 and 2006 elections...."

Click Here for full screen shot

John Kerry is looking ahead, way ahead....18,000 years (6,570,000 days) to be exact. According to, Mr. Kerry is ready to head into the 20005 elections. We are sure that he will not spend all that time making Ohio voters feel good about voting. What will he do with the rest of his time?

Top 10 Things John Kerry Will Do Until 20005
10. Secretly vote for Condi in 2012
9. See the Mets win another World Series (this is purely speculative)
8. Find a richer, hotter sugar momma
7. Do a little deer hunting on Cape Cod with his lucky hat
6. Lots and lots of Botox
5. Count every vote from the 2004 election; only to find out he lost by a larger margin
4. Head back to Yale to raise his sub-Bush grades
3. Run the Boston Marathon...again
2. Thaw out former Red Sox great Ted Williams every 86 years (that's 209 Red Sox pennants)
1. Release his SF-180 forms, again

Got some more ideas on how Kerry can spend the next 6.5 million days? Post comments below or email me.

(shameless plugs on OTB and jawa)

Other entries:
-Wax nostalgically about the US Social Security system that went belly-up 17,813 years ago.
-Announce his marriage to Bill Gates' great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great...gajillionaire granddaughter
-Make a diplomatic trip to the Islamic Republic of France
-Assert that the recent invasion of aliens from the planet Zargon is "Bush's fault."
-To make his flip-flopping more easy to do; he will be debated at every campaign stop by his holographic double.
-I'm thinking he'll find some way to trick the Pentagon into giving him a few more purple hearts by then, too.
-And don't forget he has to plan that 20005 campaign... I'm thinking it'll revolve around his Vietnam service...

Flashback - October 5, 2004
Kerry was preparing for his 20005 run, when he claimed that he could pass a "test of legitimacy" outside the confines of Earth in October of 2004. Such issues like inter-planetary relations will be key to choosing a leader in 18,000 years.

"But I can do a better job of protecting America's security because the test that I was talking about was a test of legitimacy, not just in the globe, but elsewhere" - John Kerry