Tuesday, April 19, 2005

New Filthy Lie Assignment: Evil Glenn and baseball

How will Evil Glenn be getting involved in Major League Baseball?
(An Alliance Assignment*)

Prior to the 2005 season, MLB executives were looking to quicken the pace of games and bring more dog lovers into the ball parks. Evil Glenn, being a baseball fan and dog lover came up with a rule change that would kill two birds (or cats) with one stone. The Milwaukee Brewers also saw the idea as a way to deal with their state's own cat-hatred and volunteered to test out Evil Glenn's wicked plan.

Current MLB rules regarding the makeup of a baseball:

1.09 - The ball shall be a sphere formed by yarn wound around a small core of cork, rubber or similar material, covered with two stripes of white horsehide or cowhide, tightly stitched together. It shall weigh not less than five nor more than 5 1/4 ounces avoirdupois and measure not less than nine nor more than 9 1/4 inches in circumference. - MLB

Evil Glenn's rule change:
1.09 - The ball shall be a kitten. It shall weigh not less than five nor more than 5 1/4 ounces avoirdupois and measure not less than nine nor more than 9 1/4 inches in circumference.

The MLB liked Evil Glenn's rule change so much, they tried it out for one Spring Training game this year. The Milwaukee Brewers volunteered and were eager to test out the new balls. After that first game, it became clear to Baseball fans, executives, and equipment managers that kittens would not make a viable baseball replacement.

(Sunday March 7 - Brewers/Mariners)

Top 10 reasons Kittens are not a viable baseball replacement
10) Umpire's "strike" call interrupted by loud purring
9) PETA has bought season tickets
8) Catchers complained of kittens attacking after being thrown
7) When hit, kittens tend to separate into two or more projectiles
6) Pitchers complained that kittens do not like to be scuffed up
5) White kittens hard to see during the day, black kittens hard to see at night
4) Fans no longer thrilled to catch foul balls
3) Rabbits would probably be cheaper to use
2) Kittens are hard to stitch
1) Batters tend to "tear the cover off" the new balls

*no kittens were hurt while creating this post