Tuesday, April 19, 2005

Jack Bauer bags a Liberal

Much to the dismay of liberals everywhere, Jack Bauer stopped shooting muslims in order bring his wrath to the second most troublesome group in the war on terror: Bleeding Heart Liberals. In a storyline you will not see on F***ing Deadwood or The West Wing, the good guys win by getting rid of the pesky lawyer and breaking a thug's fingers one-by-one.

Between the hours of 12:00 and 1:00am, most of America is presumably sleeping. Not that an attack on a passenger train, nuclear meltdown, and the shooting down of Air Force One by a stolen F-117 Stealth fighter would keep anyone up watching the news. Apparently America does not care that a Dick Cheney look-a-like is pulling the strings of the new president.

The climax of the show had Curtis (backed up by 15 random backup agents) take down a suspected terrorist who has contact with the man who just stole a nuclear warhead. Now CTU should really evaluate their need for Jack Bauer, because all 15 agents returned without getting shot, stabbed, or blown up. As a taxpayer, I also would like them to reevaluate their manpower demands. When the nuclear codes need to be returned, they send Jack, a helicopter, and a doomed random backup agent. When they get a tip one possible terrorist, they send in 15 guys and Curtis. Someone needs to update their priorities before 43 CTU agents respond to a report of a double-parked car at the 7-11.

Curtis got his man and took him back to CTU. Curtis was then put in charge of doing what he does best, torturing the crap out of the bad guys (or gals). After this season, CTU needs to be renamed Careless Torture Unit because they have tortured the son of the Secretary of Defense (over two episodes) and found nothing, they tortured a 16 year old boy then his mother and found nothing, they even tortured one of their own employees and found...nothing. This time they are almost ready to get the next round of torture underway, when the head terrorist calls in the big guns. He phones Amnesty Global, a legal group aimed at aiding terrorist in custody (hello Amnesty International). The presence of the lawyer stops all "questioning" of the suspect, ensuring the bad guys a temporary victory.

Jack Bauer is not one to sit by and let crap like this happen, so he pulls the bald-headed civil- rights lawyer aside and asks him if he can live with the millions of Americans who could die due to CTU not being able to adequately torture the suspect, obviously the liberal lawyer has no problem with it. I guess if millions of spotted owls or a few acres of wasteland in Alaska were in harm, he would have personally helped Jack torture the suspect. Facing a nuclear holocaust, Jack quits CTU and takes matters into his own hands. After the suspect is released, the liberal lawyer hands the suspect his business card (probably printed on hemp paper), jumps into his imported Mazda Miata convertible (notice the good guys all drive Fords) and heads to Starbucks for some Caramel Mochachinos. In the meantime, Jack uses a taser gun to take down the US Marshall guarding the suspect and then starts to break the fingers of the suspect's right hand, one-by-one. Next week he will give the suspect paper cuts with the lawyer's business card and pour lemon juice on the wounds while giving him wet willies (following CTU procedure)

Jack Bauer - 1
Liberals- 0

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