Tuesday, October 19, 2004

You are so Liberal if... Part 6

Beware, Bush's "January Surprise" is coming, but a bigger "October Surprise" would be John Kerry telling the truth and not spreading Internet legends. Don't be surprised if John Kerry warns people from accepting drinks from George Bush, because you could end up in a bathtub filled with ice with one of your kidneys removed. According to John Kerry, in January we'll see a draft, no social security, and the boogieman will come out from under your bed to eat you. While these might not be true, a few things you can count on are we have more polls than a strip club, more lesbian talk than a Howard Stern show, and it's Tuesday. That means it is also time for You are so liberal, part 6.

Tune in next Tuesday for the seventh and possibly final installment, feel free to email me additions or enter them in the comments.

If your party's crack voter registration drive does indeed involve crack, you might be a liberal.

You are a liberal if it takes more time to do your Vice Presidential candidate's hair, than it does to explain John Kerry's stances on Iraq.

If you liked the style of Howard Dean, the energy of Edwards, the wit of Sharpton, but ended up with John Kerry, you are a liberal.

You are a liberal if you called your lawyer to see who to sue for a flu shot

If you hope stem cells will cure Athlete's Foot, the flu, and the curse of the Bambino, you might be a liberal.

If you run as a devote Catholic, as you are about to be excommunicated from the Catholic Church, you might be a liberal.

You are a liberal if you blame Republicans for suppressing your right to vote more than once.

If you are against pre-emptive strikes to save our freedom, but for pre-emptive strikes which harm our democracy.

If Matt Drudge proofreads your party's election manual, or if your party puts out directions on how to steal an election, you are probably a liberal.

If you think voting for Bush is like running in the Special Olympics, you might be a liberal.

You are a liberal if you see nothing wrong with the fact you have to show a picture id at Blockbuster, but not to vote for president.

If your post-season dreams are riding on the shoulders of Eddie Yost and Manny Ortiz, you might be a liberal.

If you have Bill O'Reilly on speed-dial, you might be a liberal.

You are a liberal if you claimed Bush's Saudi friends were going to lower gas prices to get him elected before you claimed that Bush is raising gas prices as for his Saudi friends.

You are a liberal if you still care what Al Gore has to say.

You can find some of these and many more in the forums at Mighty Righty.

Disclaimer: These entries are a joke. You do not have to be liberal to fall under these entries. Not all liberals subscribe to these ideals. To be fair, a "You're so righty" forum also was created (posts to date: 26). I am not a professional nor do I claim to be, if you turn out to be a liberal, seek immediate, professional help. If you base your political ideals on a song, celebrity's opinion, bumper sticker, TV show, cartoon, movie, or blog entry you are a moron and should move to Boston (where you can watch the Red Sox lose game 6 at a local bar).